The 3 S’s that are key for my wellbeing

This mental health awareness week we’re talking about the 5 ways, the things we can do to keep us healthy.  Not just healthy though, I believe it’s the things we do here that keep us at our best performance wise too.

I’m also a fan of keeping things simple (it’s one of the S’s in fact) so I thought it’s a great time to talk about my 3 key things that keep me at my best and things that are so simple they’re often overlooked, yet I believe can have the biggest impact for us where mental health and our performance and peak cognitive function are concerned.

Whilst we’re talk about mental health awareness week and ways to wellbeing I thought I’d share my top 3 S’s for wellbeing and not just that but peak performance too!

1.       Space. 

This is by far the most important and more under rated way to wellness.  When we create space we create time.  This allows us to connect to the present and to ourselves.  It gives us space to reflect and contemplate, to be still and quiet in a world that’s busy and noisy.  It’s here we have our best ideas, hear the voice within of our intuition and so often our wisest guide.  We find it easier to solve problems and make decisions form this space and it also promotes a sense of calm that overcomes any overwhelm.  It helps order our thoughts and gives us time to focus on some of the activities we never get around to (think journalling, reflection, self-care).

2.       Solitude

When we get space we often also create time for ourselves and regardless of whether we’re introverts or extroverts we all need a few minutes to ourselves, for ourselves.  I love Julia Cameron’s concept of Artist Dates in this space.  Designed for creativity but critical for wellness she advises taking yourself on a date somewhere different to stimulate thinking and give yourself some space.  The only condition is that it has to be by yourself.  How often do we ever take ourselves out for coffee or lunch or just a simple bush walk to a  new beach?  Quite often the only time we do this is if it’s for and with others.  Of course it doesn’t have to be a date, it can be a hot bath when everyone is in bed or a cup of tea by yourself with your own thoughts before anyone else in the house is awake.  Whatever works for you, where do you get your ‘me time’

3.       Simplicity

Another underrated concept and one I love is simplicity.  It’s the smallest things that often make the biggest difference and I believe the less we have in our diary the less stress there is.  The less we have in our house the less there is the clean and move and insure or worry about breaking.  It’s often the difference between quantity and quality, less can be more and I believe less is better.

This flies in the face of what we’ve been taught though.  We’ve been encouraged for decades that more is better and the more things we do the more successful we’ll be and yet what we’re seeing when that’s applied is simply an increase in burnout.  I believe we should be focusing on value and impact (quality) rather than hours worked or number of things on our list (quantity).

It’s why minimalism and the kondo method of having a clean out and simplifying our wardrobe got so famous.  Simple feels good, it reduces our mental load and therefore our stress.  So often we overcomplicate things and add to our stress.  We make the mistake of thinking that simple is not as impactful because it’s not hard and yet so often the opposite is true.

This doesn’t mean we all need to go and have a clear out but a clean desk is often a more productive space for that reason.  The same applies to our minds and the baggage we carry around in there too!  Simple can be how we approach our wellness goals.  For example stirring spinach into our meals to get more veg rather than planning an entire detox.  Getting out for a walk rather than waiting to sign up for the next personal training boot camp at the gym.  Doing a few stretches at home rather than having to commit to a 10 week yoga course in the city.  Using a meditation app to get some stillness rather than planning that 6 week trip to India.

With goals we’re often looking to add things constantly, what about if we took something away?  Letting go, stopping bad habits, disposing of limiting beliefs, delegating and asking for support are all examples of doing less rather than more that get us closer to success.

So what are your keys to wellness and how can you use space, solitude and simplicity to help you achieve your wellbeing goals?

The most important meeting you'll have all week

We live in a meeting heavy world.  There are meetings about meetings, meetings about emails and then meetings about how to reduce the amount of meetings and emails we have!  Most of us have too many meetings, spend too much time talking, not enough time doing or thinking.  Meetings clog up our schedules, suck time from our day and the majority are not worth the salaries of the people who sit there for an hour when you look at the ROI for that hour. 

It’s one of the things I definitely don’t miss about my corporate life now I work for myself.  Having said that, there’s a very important meeting that I always include in my diary and I feel like it’s one meeting we could all benefit from adding to our meeting heavy cultures.

Getting better at when and how we meet is one thing but making space for something more important is this priority meeting we should have every week.  It’s with ourselves.

The most important meeting you can have all week is one that no-one else attends.  I call it my self meeting.  It’s just me and I have an hour each week where I schedule this meeting.  Very often it’s out of the office, somewhere nice where I can find the space to think.

During this meeting my agenda typically looks like; reflecting on the successes, planning the week ahead, where’s the focus, what’s my priority, what do I need and where are the biggest challenges right now?  It’s a look at my numbers and what’s in the diary and ensuring this aligns to my priorities and creates enough space to achieve all of what is planned.  I use this as a chance to schedule in space and focus time and ensure my self-care and sustainability activities are accounted for too.  It’s a time for reflection, thinking, planning and checking in. 

Sadly not all of our meetings in the diary provide a return on investment for the time they take.

Ever come from a meeting and wondered why you were there and what it was designed to achieve?  That’ll never happen with this meeting.  It also makes everything else you do that week more aligned to your priorities, more organised and with better flow.  It may also help you reflect on which are actually the meetings you need to be at this week and how you might reduce the load.

We don’t have enough space in our schedule to do some of the most important things that contribute to peak performance.  Planning, reflecting and thinking certainly will.  The hour you give yourself for this self meeting will save you hours across the week in increased productivity, reduced overwhelm and confusion.

Creating space for all voices to be heard: allyship in action

Recently I was on a business development training session.  It’s a team I know well and have studied with for the last year or two.  It’s a good mix gender wise and full of clever people who I admire and respect.  It’s led by a middle aged white Australian man who demonstrated such a great example of Allyship I felt the need to write about it.  Matt has done a huge amount of work on himself, he has an awareness that is uncommon and as a result of knowing who he is and being comfortable in his own skin he is infinitely more open, grounded and conscious.  It also makes him an inclusive leader and we need more of them.

As people were feeding back from a breakout session the conversation had been dominated by the men in the room, despite there being almost as many women on the call.  Matt simply asked to hear from anyone on the call who did not identify as male and it opened up the conversation in a whole different way.  He wasn’t asking the men to stop speaking (and they’d all had an opportunity to speak) but he’d noticed the balance was off and the conversation was less rich as a result.  He was also aware that in a leadership group dominated by men sometimes we need to create the space for women to speak.  Doing this once meant that the awareness was created for everyone on the call for the duration of the session.  The voices were more balanced and the conversation richer as a result.

It wasn’t hard but it was impactful.  You might be thinking, but why can’t women just speak up without being asked?

The first point to know on this is that it’s not us, it’s the system.  A lifetime of bias, cultural norms and gender stereotypes plays into what can often be subconscious for all involved, regardless of gender.

A leadership colleague of mine recently relayed her experience in a similar session.  She observed the differences with a mix of male and female facilitators addressing her group.  She told me “One man called the female facilitator the wrong name 3 times. She didn’t correct him. He called a male facilitator the wrong name and was corrected immediately.”

It’s not uncommon for the women I work with to talk about needing more time to warm up and feel comfortable to speak up, to second guess themselves and hold back – especially if the conversation is being dominated by men.  My clients report often being spoken over by men, interrupted by facilitators, having their ideas called into question (until they state their expertise) and needing to feel more like an expert to ‘hold their space’ in a meeting where men will freely give their opinions even if it’s not their area of expertise.

Remember this isn’t about the women not having the skills, it’s about a lifetime of social norms that have taught us to keep quiet, go last, think of ourselves as second best, allow others to have the power and to be liked and fit in above all else.  Right from the movies we’ve watched, the books our parents read to us as kids and the way to world has taught us we should behave as a woman.

Women's roles and expectations have been moulded over centuries, leading to these biases and stereotypes. For generations, women were expected to be in domestic spaces, their contributions undervalued and their aspirations limited. Understanding this history is crucial to brining awareness to the barriers that continue to hinder progress.

The one thing that helps in this space is awareness and intention.  According to the stats for women to have an equal voice there needs to be 75% representation of women in a group. That means we need 25% more women in the group to ensure an equal voice, to offset the societal norms and gender stereotypes. 

We have got so used to men’s voices and male domination that we often don’t even question it or realise it’s an issue.  That’s where awareness comes in and actions of allies like Matt.

When I talk about the double bind I refer to how women are traditionally seen as nurturing, compassionate, and compliant, while leadership and assertiveness are predominantly associated with masculinity. Addressing gender equity requires challenging and changing these limiting beliefs.  It also requires an increase in awareness and education around Allyship.

Find out more about my activating allies programme here

The middle way and moderating perfection

One of the concepts I learned during my time spent studying with Buddhist monks and nuns has been really useful in my quest for moderation.  The middle path or middle way as it sometimes known is all about moderation and finding the middle ground.

The middle path generally refers to the avoidance of two extremes.  Buddha himself started life as a prince and renounced his luxury lifestyle, to embrace the other extreme as an ascetic practicing severe austerities.

Eventually landing between those two extremes ultimately realising both indulgence and deprivation were equally useless, even detrimental to his goal of achieving awakening.

I like to think of this and apply it to my work as moderation.  Finding the middle ground between excess and scarcity.  I use it with perfectionists to allow for our overestimated goals and expectations.  With failure at the other end so we can find a middle ground that’s realistic and excellent between failure and perfection.

It's great to use in health goals and routines too.  I might not want to run a marathon but I don’t want to be a couch potato either.  I don’t want to be overweight but nor do I want to be starving.  Even where stress is concerned we have the middle way of eustress, positive motivational stress which sits between boredom and burnout.

It’s why sometimes you’ll see me enjoying a burger and a beer and other days I’ll be on a juice detox.  It’s why I can be sleeping in on a Sunday or up at 6am Tuesday to do yoga and meditation before a big gig.  I can enjoy a family BBQ or late night out (not as often these days to be fair!) and then on a silent meditation retreat the following weekend.  I believe in everything in moderation being the key to finding the joy without beating ourselves up.

There’s too much pressure on us these days to be perfect.  Social media has increased this sense of everyone else being a wellness warrior and us failing at life because we had a piece of cake.  The quest for perfection has been exacerbated and the middle way can help us find our way back.  Our excessive expectations push us to the extremes and that can be detrimental to our performance (and our general happiness and wellbeing).  When we return to the middle and find the middle way it can be the secret to success and reduce the pressure we so often, unnecessarily, put on ourselves.

I think this can also be a useful strategy in negotiations and team collaborations too.  When dealing with opposing views asking the question “what’s the middle path here?” can be one of the most useful conversations to reach a consensus.

So what’s your middle path and how might this concept be useful for your moderation goals?

What we learned from the women’s World Cup

As a fantastic tournament draws to a close I’m reflecting on the event, the experience, what it has meant both on and off the pitch and what we’ve learned.

FIFA President Gianni Infantino said women's football has experienced incredible growth and was confident that the World Cup ‘will win over anyone who remains skeptical about the merits of the women's game’.  I reckon it did!

I’m excited about the impact this tournament has both on and off the field and the light it has shone on women and equity, not just in sport.  Whilst I’m excited by this and delighted to see the progress we’ve made, if I’m honest, I’m also a little bit saddened for my own footballing past and the experience of those who played before the world caught up (and paved the way for this progress).

As a former player and avid fan of many years there’s not much I don’t know about this beautiful game.  I’d spend hours kicking a ball around my back garden from the age of about 9, eventually playing in senior teams.  An avid Manchester United fan I attended games and watched all the EPL highlights each weekend.  The sort of passion that makes ex pats get up at 2am in NZ to watch the FA Cup Final!

To see women produce such fabulous displays of football and for it to be supported in the way that it has warms my heart but as the tournament draws to a close, what has it taught us?

First we’ve learned that it is football not soccer and it’s nice to have cleared that up!  But there’s a few more myths it’s busted too about women’s sport.  Myths that men would go to great lengths to explain to me in pubs across England once they found out I played.  Which have mostly been versions of the following:

Women’s sport just isn’t as fast or skilful, they lack power.  Women’s sport doesn’t attract the crowds so won’t get the big sponsorship needed to invest in their development and pay.

As someone who’s watched and played thousands of hours of this beautiful game across genders I’m happy to share that the skill, pace, passion and competition on show at these games had me gripped.  Some of the best saves I’ve seen goal keepers make and the passing quality of teams like Spain, England and Portugal made me think of watching the Barcelona men play at the Nou Camp.  Add to that the stunning strikes from all over the pitch and quality of the penalty shoot outs and strength on the ball.

The stats back this up too.  England’s winning penalty kick in the round of 16 was recorded at 111km/hour, faster than any goal recorded in last season’s men’s Premier League in England.  Chloe Kelly the striker of that ball also ended her celebration to console (and protect from the cameras) the devastated Nigerian goal keeper.

The best way to summarise this though has been delivered through a French Ad and the use of AI to change the gender of the players in the national teams highlight reel.  This French telecom advert used AI to show we can’t really tell the difference.  Skill is skill, it’s just our bias that changes our view when we see the gender of the player on the ball.

So what about the interest that this masterclass of the beautiful game has garnered?

• 11.5 million people watched the Australia, England semi final which is the biggest rating in Australia since the system began, for anything not just sport

• Before that their round of 16 game against Denmark attracted more TV viewers than both the AFL grand final and the State of Origin. 

• The Matildas opening match saw a stadium crowd of 75,784

• The Matalidas had already at that point sold more jerseys than their male counterparts the Socceroos did during and since the last mens World Cup.

• Whilst a smaller population it’s also worth noting that 42,137 came out to watch New Zealand's opener.  The biggest crowd in our country's football history — men's or women's.

• With 2 billion global TV viewers the tournament viewership has almost doubled since the last women’s World Cup.

In the space of a decade crowds at women’s football games like these has gone from 700 to over 70,000.  We’ve also seen reports of Irish towns moving morning mass times and Brazil changing work times for civil servants so that people can watch games.  There was even talk of a public holiday should Australia have won the World Cup!

This is before we consider the impacts off the field.  The economic growth the tournament has provided Australia and New Zealand and the millions of young girls watching on who can now be what they see, certainly a privilege I was never afforded growing up as a female player 20 years ago.  It wasn’t something that girls did, there were no girls teams at high school and it was certainly off the cards as a career option.

Parents have reported that, without prompting, their boys want a replica Rapinoe shirt just as much as a Messi one.  In their eyes they’re simply both football idols – gender doesn’t come into it.

So I think it’s fair to say that whoever has said that women’s sport isn’t as good or doesn’t get the eyeballs is quite frankly been proven very wrong.  However that’s not the end of this story and this tournament has also shone a light on the extreme inequity that still exists.

What’s most impressive for me is not just the above stats but that these women have achieved that with one hand tied behind their back figuratively speaking.  Alongside these headlines have been ones of ill fitting kit, below par training camps and preparation and of course a huge lack of investment financially and pay inequity. 

During this World Cup it has transpired that much of the kit was made for men, meaning the shorts had to be rolled over at the top and the socks kept falling down the shins.  The answer to making women enough football boots to satisfy a tournament of this size was just to produce smaller mens boots.  Now this is not a new approach to making things for women.  Most of what we see in our life (our cars, medical procedures, air conditioning, furniture, iphones and infrastructure) have all been made with men in mind and more often than not the female alternative is just a smaller version of the mens.  As if women are just smaller, lesser than versions of a man.  The thing is, that’s not true so it doesn’t work.  One of the reasons there’s been many ankle injuries throughout this World Cup may be because of said boots.  Women’s bodies are not just smaller mens bodies, we’re built differently so our uniforms have to allow for this.  The same applies whether it’s our football teams or our emergency services and yet this same mistake is still being made today.

So whilst we’re making progress, there’s still a long way to go.  Still faced with harassment and discrimination the game is different for girls.  It’s been well covered at this World Cup the number of teams considering strike action over lack of pay.  The South African women’s team are paid a tenth of their male counterparts.  The families of the Jamaican team talked of their crowdfunding campaign to fund the trip in absence of support from their Football Association.

The Matildas gripped a nation and yet their prize money is still nowhere near what the Socceroos received in their World Cup, despite the Matildas gaining much more success on the field.  In fact the round of 16 exit for the Socceroos at the last mens World Cup got a bigger payout than the overall winner of this years women’s World Cup (nearly three times more in fact)!

A lot of work has gone into even getting this far, with the USA team campaigning tirelessly for equal pay despite being infinitely more successful than the USA men for decades.  It was only in 2007 FIFA first awarded prize money at the Women’s World Cup.  25 years after it did the same for the mens competition.  Even today the prize money sits at one quarter of that paid to the men.

It’s been fabulous to see so many people, especially families and men at the games.  It’s also been warming to hear of people talking about ‘the game’ last night and not having to specify it was women’s football.  It’s not the women’s World Cup, just the World Cup and it doesn’t matter which gender occupies the shirts.  This may lead to us acknowledging the existence of others beyond the men that play in our accolades and giving credit to the amazing achievements of those in the womens game.

Perhaps quotes from FIFA like ‘Ronaldo is the first player to score at 5 World Cups’ can now be corrected to say ‘first male player’ with a nod to Brazilian, Marta who did it first and scored at five consecutive Olympics.

I’m proud we’ve co-hosted this tournament in a way that has shone a spotlight on women’s sport and been part of this journey.  There’s still a way to go but the progress has just been helped enormously by this experience.  Whether it’s equal pay, professional facilities, investment in support staff and training the future is bright. 

If this is what we can do with what we’ve got currently, imagine the quality of a tournament when all these women get equal access to the funds and support around the international teams in the men’s game!

If you’re a women in sport or committed to leveling the playing field you might be interested in my next book, due out in 2024 you can find out more about PowHer here.

What buying an EV taught me about intentions and action

I recently bought a new car, my first electric one.  Well it’s PHEV so we can plug it in and be 100% electric on the island but have hybrid capabilities as well.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about and researching for a few years now.  Originating from a concern for the environment and wanting to do my bit but that alone wasn’t enough to make this happen.  Moving to Waiheke, the increased fuel costs and incentivised by government rebates finally made this happen.  It’s got me thinking.  Why wasn’t the concern for the environment enough, why aren’t our good intentions alone always enough to force us into action.  Whilst the good intentions give us the idea, the impetus to follow through often comes from consequences (like fuel prices on Waiheke), peer pressure (everyone else is doing it) or some kind of incentive (clean car rebates).

If we use another example, like eating healthily or exercising regularly.  We all know it’s good for us and we all know we’d be better off doing it but often it’s other factors combined with these good intentions that push us into action.  A health scare, a free membership or my friend just lost 10kg.

So what goals are you considering?  Where do you have good intentions that haven’t manifest themselves into action yet?  What have you been thinking about doing but not quite got there yet?  Where are the opportunities to add some incentives or consequences to make that decision easier to make.  Is it spending more time with the family, getting healthy?  Setting better boundaries at work?  Saying no and evening out the workload at home?  Maybe it’s a trip you’ve been meaning to take or hobby you’d like to pursue now the kids are older?  Sometimes combining those good intentions with some consequences and incentives help us make them happen.

Need some help getting your goals from intentions to action? Check out my coaching programmes

Slow progress is still movement in the right direction

I’m recovering from knee surgery, everything is very slow right now!  Within a week I’d gone from step counts, yoga classes and surf reports to measuring how many more degrees my knee now bends and setting goals for straightening my leg.  It’s painfully slow, quite literally.

As always though, these times teach us.  This forced slowness allows me to rest and recover, to take time out and use this inward focused time at home to think and create whilst I can’t be out and about.

It’s left me reflecting on how grateful I am to have access to this kind of health care.  The support of my family whilst I rehab and the flexibility of my work.  It’s also taught me that we often take for granted the simple things like the ability to walk, until we can’t and then we realise what a blessing it is.  As with many things in life we don’t realise how lucky we are until we get the chance to miss it or it’s taken away.

For anyone who is strong and independent you’ll know how hard it is when you need help.  When even putting your own socks on becomes a mammoth task!  The frustration of even the smallest activities being a challenge.  Making a cup of tea, wanting to make the fire or do some washing.  Yet it’s good practice for us because it forces us into having to ask for help, rely on support and know that we’re not a superhero and nor do we need to be strong and independent all the time.

I’m also mindful that I’m unable to do some of the activities I rely on for my own self care and mental health.  Yoga and surfing are off the list for some months, walking isn’t an option for a while.  I can’t even sit in my usual meditation posture.  It’s meant readjusting and coming up with a plan B for self care.  Focusing on what I still can do rather than grieving for what I can’t.  I can still watch others surf and spend time at the beach in the sun.  I can journal, listen to podcasts, read.  I’m able to meditate laying down.  The dog loves having me home 24/7 too!

So I now have different measures of success for the next few months, from miles ran to millimetres moved.  Yet whilst it’s slow it’s still progress.  It reminds me of the saying that whatever we do in a day with what we have is good enough.  My goals look very different for the next few months and I’m making peace with that.  As most high achievers will tell you, that’s the hardest part.  Moderating your expectations and flexing based on where you’re at.  Admitting that whilst we’re all capable of brilliance we won’t be brilliant every day.

So for now I’ll celebrate the small wins, readjust my expectations and know that even small steps lead to the same destination.

Calm and composed: it's not something we learn, it's who we are

It’s a skill I most value in myself and others and one that’s stood me is good stead both in work and life.

Whether it was dealing with employee deaths during my HR career, public speaking nerves in the early days of my authorship or simply responding to life events, composure is something that not only moderates our response and regulates our emotions but can leave us feeling clear and calm to face what ever is in front of us.  To respond rather than react and to come from a place of considered logic rather than blind panic!

People often ask me how do we learn to be calm and composed?  Whilst I don’t run any courses that focus on this I do run plenty of training and coaching sessions on self mastery and it gets the same result.  Here’s why.

I don’t believe calm, clarity and composure is something new we need to learn.  I believe it’s a capability we all have deep within, it’s just that we’ve lost touch with it.  It’s not something we learn it’s something we are.  Our busy lives, workload pressures and information overload has seen us so far removed from this natural state we think it’s a new skill we need to master.  Rather than something we’re born with that we can tap back into once the stress and overwhelm subsides.  Calm and composed is our natural state.  Just like water before the weather stirs it up or a stone is thrown into the lake.

It comes from deep knowledge of self and if we can keep coming back to this seed within that’s our essence, without all the stress and busyness, we’ll find this is where the calm lives.  It’s when we get still and quiet we can tap into this state of being.  We remove the layers of stress, busyness and distraction and find it’s been there all along.

When we know ourselves we’re more grounded, we’re better able to regulate our emotions and we know our triggers.  It’s about creating the conditions to be our best self.  Calm and composed is not something we learn, it’s something we are.

When I run retreats I’ll often talk about the concept of a retreat within.  A feeling and a place of peace my attendees can take with them long after the retreat ends and a place we carry within that we can retreat to anytime, even during daily life when we might not have a cottage in the country complete with massage and sauna.  This place within where we find peace is our natural state of calm and composure and it’s accessible to us anytime, if we cultivate it.  And by that we have to find time to be quiet and still long enough to allow the busyness and distraction to subside and open up this place of inner peace and calm.

It’s from here we make our wisest decisions, tap into our intuition and find the ability to respond rather than react.  It’s a place where equanimity lives, a sense of inner peace and groundedness.

So rather than having to learn to master another skillset.  Try finding some space to be still and quiet and see if you can tap into your natural state of being, this calm inner peace that exists in all  of us if we stop long enough to find it.

What's in your knowledge jar?

It’s not unusual for us to believe, as leaders, we have to have all the answers and be an expert to take our place at the leadership table. It’s an aspect of leadership (especially when new to the job) that can leave us struggling with confidence and imposter syndrome whilst we’re learning the role.

The myth is that we have to be an expert before we can be of value. It’s a confidence thing. I liken it to a jar of marmite. The jar doesn’t have to be full for it to be of use, we get marmite out of it even when it’s only half full. Yet with our internal jars of knowledge we so often under estimate the contents unless they’re full. It can lead to us not sharing ideas, asking questions of challenging others. Our lack of confidence wants the jar to be full so we’re sure we know enough.

I don’t have a full jar (and I perhaps never will as I believe we’re always learning) and yet I know I can share something of value. If we wait for ours jars to be full, to be experts we may never share the things that’ll help others, innovate, solve problems and create new ideas in the world.

You don’t have to know all the answers to be an expert and you don’t have to have a full jar of knowledge to have expertise in something. In fact it's part of our continuous improvement journey and a concept I talk about in LeaderZEN, the benefit of having a beginners mind.

These expertise we add to our jar don’t always come from our CV either. I believe our life events and lived experience can provide just as much expertise and if we’re not sharing that with the world we’re missing out.

So next time you’re worried you’re not ‘expert enough’ or waiting for more knowledge to accumulate in your jar remember the marmite and no matter how much is in there it’s always useful!

Find out more about my gender equity work and bringing my popular women’s leadership programme into your organisation or get your spot on the next leadership residential.

5 ways empathy and kindness make us great leaders

Leaders who are influential in modelling kindness to their staff benefit from increased employee well-being and engagement.  Kind leaders create environments where relationships thrive and people feel safe.  Including self-respect, respect for others, respect for diversity and the value it brings. Psychological safety is a key outcome of kindness in leadership.

Harvard Business School’s Amy Cuddy says that even before establishing their own credibility and competence, leaders who project warmth are more effective than people who lead with toughness. Kindness and warmth appears to accelerate trust.  But, the link between kindness and great leadership extends beyond just the relationship we have with employees. Studies show it also increases employee performance.

Former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said “one of the criticisms I’ve faced over the years is I’m not aggressive enough, or maybe somehow, because I’m empathetic, it means I’m weak.  I totally rebel against that.  I refuse to believe that you cannot be both compassionate and strong.”

It makes sense: if we’re strong in empathy, we are more likely to get along with our fellow humans, and if we have control over emotions, our relationships will be more effective, we’ll also better be able to read and room and influence and negotiate with this kind of awareness.

Those high in empathy often have greater emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and effectively manage our emotions. People who have high degrees of emotional intelligence are able to better manage emotions, insecurities or fear and are therefore able to react to many situations in more appropriate and effective ways. 

Empathy and kindness are important traits for leaders because they help to create a positive and supportive work environment, where employees feel valued, respected, and motivated. Here are some specific ways that empathy and kindness can benefit leaders:

1.       Better relationships: Empathy allows leaders to understand and connect with employees on a deeper level, leading to better relationships, increased trust, and improved communication.

2.       Increased motivation: Kindness and compassion can inspire employees to go the extra mile and feel more motivated, which can lead to improved performance and increased productivity.

3.       Improved decision-making: Empathy can help leaders to see things from other people's perspectives, leading to better decision-making and more equitable treatment of employees.

4.       Enhanced creativity and innovation: When employees feel valued and supported, they are more likely to be creative and innovative, which can lead to improved outcomes and therefore business success.

5.       Better workplace culture: Empathy and kindness can help to create a workplace culture that is supportive, inclusive, and positive, which can lead to higher job satisfaction and lower turnover rates.

Leaders who demonstrate empathy and kindness are able to build stronger relationships with employees, foster a positive workplace culture, and drive better results for their organisations. These traits are essential for effective leadership and can help to create a more compassionate and equitable workplace.

Introverts: ever feel like the world wasn't made for you?

Have you ever been told you need to speak up more at meetings?  Wish you could think on the spot.  Feel the pressure to give your best answer now despite needing to consider and reflect?

Not a fan of the open plan office, envy the life and souls of the party.  Did you love working from home during the pandemic getting the quiet to focus.  Do you find it easier to participate more on chat than in the room?

The world we live in has been made by males and extroverts for men and extroverts.  It’s why our systems and society can feel so exhausting.  It’s why we’re often told we need to change or fix ourselves in some way.

As a female leader and introvert myself this has been my experience and all too common in the women I coach where they also identify as introverts.  It can lead to self doubt, under rating ourselves, comparison to others, trying to make ourselves different and feeling wrong for the very things that in fact make us amazing.

I used to think it was a weakness, I’m too reserved, I need to speak out more, I need to be the life and soul of the party to be liked.  I need to be louder at work to be noticed.  It was all very exhausting.  I see this in others and on reflection I got noticed because of what I brought to the table, including my introvert advantage, so that’s what I enjoy helping others understand.

Living in a world that’s not made for us can lead to us feeling out of place, like we don’t belong or like there’s something wrong with us.  However much of what powers us as introverts and as women are the very superpowers we need to navigate this modern world.  It’s something Susan Cain explores beautifully in her best seller Quiet.  A must read for all introverts.

Let’s clear up a few misconceptions.  In a nut shell introversion or extroversion comes down to how a person responds to stimulation, especially in social settings.  There’s a myth that we’re quiet or shy but being an introvert actually means we prize deep and meaningful conversation over small talk, we’ll think before we speak, consider and reflect and we’ll recharge in solitude.  We can be great at socialising and stimulating conversation, especially if it’s with like minded people who we know – we just might need a nap afterwards!

Introverts are often more self aware, they listen better so have more information to draw on and we consider and reflect on that information before jumping to a conclusion.  Often high in emotional intelligence, quite often the introverts I coach also have a high degree of empathy.

I remember observing a team of leaders in a meeting, extroverts talking over each other and saying the same thing but in their own voice or thinking aloud.  There was one leader quietly sat at the end of the table and as we got to the end of the meeting they were asked to contribute and said one, small, articulate point that summed up what everyone else had been trying to say the whole hour.  This is the power of introverts.

Many of the women I work with are introverts and will ask things like ‘how can I be more extroverted to get ahead in leadership’.  My mantra is very much about leveraging the skills we have not trying to be like others or change our unique gifts.  But is it true, do extroverts get ahead at work, are they heard more, do people notice them, are they favoured over introverts?

In a world that celebrates ego, noise and attention you’d think so, we’re conditioned to believe that we should be the centre of attention, outgoing is fashionable and attractive and calm and reserved is often considered boring! 

Our world is designed for extroverts and we’re all over stimulated.  This makes it harder for introverts and more important we understand what we need and what we can bring to the table.  But if we’re trying to be more like extroverts or not allowing ourselves what we need we’re missing out on a super power and the world is missing out on our creativity and leadership.

So how can we thrive as introverted female leaders in a world not built for us?  Let’s finish with some top tips:

·       Know yourself, your brand, leverage your strengths, stand in your power. 

·       Mentor and learn from others.

·       Know that you need time to think and respond and the response will be far superior as a result.

·       Don’t apologise for needing time to yourself and create the space to recharge in solitude. 

·       Find time to focus and work alone if it helps you do deep work

·       Stop feeling like you need to change yourself: know how to value what makes you, you.

This of course doesn’t mean introverts are better than extroverts just that we’re often under rated and need to see our skillset for just that, a skillset not a part of us that needs to be fixed or made more extroverted.

“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are – Brene Brown

Join us on this special women’s leadership residential retreat for some space to reflect and learn about you and your leadership brand to lead with impact.

Internal and external battles of the mind

In my workshops I often talk about the power of the mind.  When we talk confidence we talk about the different ways confidence can be grown or not.  We control so much of our world by what we think and what comes from the inside.  That, added to the external influences on us and what’s in our environment make our world.

Ideally both are positive influences but we can see why sometimes this can be hard.  It’s why being in toxic work cultures or relationships erodes our sense of self or why too much negative news or office gossip makes us think more negatively.  This of course is twice as bad if our inner critic is also doing the same thing internally!

There’s the external circumstance that causes us stress and our internal response or frustration towards wanting it to be different.

The saying is true: we can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. Buddhists have a great analogy for this, which perfectly sums up how our attitude and mindset affect our resilience: the second arrow analogy.

If we’re walking through the forest and we get hit by an arrow, we have a problem, and it causes us pain. Our reaction to this problem is like being hit by a second arrow in the same place. Now we have two problems and double the pain: but the second arrow is one that we shot ourselves.

What’s important is not so much what happens to us, but how we react to it. We tend to get upset and angry about the initial problem. Maybe our car has broken down: that is the first arrow, and the resulting pain is not of our doing. If we choose to get angry and upset about this, that’s the second arrow. It will double our pain but do little to resolve the first problem – and we shot that arrow ourselves.

If we can cultivate a positive internal world it’s half the battle, it’s the one we have most control over.  A positive external world also helps and  is the sweet spot but we know that doesn’t always happen and is sometimes out of our control.

Know that if negativity is around you you’ll need to work twice as a hard to make up for it from the inside and vice versa.  When your mind is not is a good place or the inner critic is running wild find a nice place or nice person to be with a lean on the external world to even things out.

It’s why paying attention to what we put in our mind is so important because this is the external influence that’ll disrupt the internal mind.  Too much social media, busyness and overwhelm, dramatic friends and violent movies all impact how we feel and ultimately our mindset.  Positive mindsets help us deal with what life throws at us and what we feed grows – especially in the garden of our mind.  So are you watering the weeds or allowing the flowers to bloom in your mind?

The power of investing in vertical growth for leaders

We’ve often spent years on growing leadership skills (horizontal growth) but now we need to invest in the inner game (vertical growth). Self leadership, self regulation, new perspectives and more complex and sophisticated ways of thinking. This enables us to make wiser choices, be less reactive, develop wisdom and insights to evolve and transform how we lead. Walking the talk, knowing ourselves and navigating the challenges that arise.

These are the key skills leaders of the future need. It’s the stuff that AI can’t replace. We’ve often spent years dedicated to the horizontal growth and leadership technical skills; strategic agility, financial acumen, project management etc. This is the stuff that ChatGPT might be doing for us soon! It’s time to focus on vertical growth, a deeper understanding of our self for mastery of the inner game. Future proofing leaders with the skills to lead in uncertain times, with inclusivity and the ability to lead multiple generations into this new world.

Focusing on vertical growth allows us to be better leaders and it’s critical to navigate the future of this changing world.  We’re more confident when we know who we are and what we bring to the table.  We’re more inclusive when we collaborate with others, seek continuous improvement and admit to not being the only expert in the room. We’re more aware and able to respond to change and challenges whilst remaining calm amid the chaos.

Whether you’re grappling with talent shortages, hybrid working, or employee engagement and turnover it’s a tough time to lead.  Add to that empathy fatigue, change weariness and impacts on staff morale the last few years has had.  It’s no wonder burnout is on the rise as we adapt to a new normal and lead others through this landscape.  Vertical growth takes leaders on a journey of development to lead in these uncertain times.

This is a new kind of leadership for a new kind of era.  Post pandemic challenges have changed the face of how we work and lead.  It requires evolution and a new focus for leaders.

·       Develop the kind of calm that is contagious, when you speak, others listen. 

·       Leverage self mastery, mental fitness and awareness as core leadership skills

·       Harness the ability to adapt to change and bounce back from set backs

·       Increase focus and concentration to perform at your peak

·       Become fearless but wise, compassionate and respected

·       Build empathy with the ability to regulate and control emotional response

A conscious leader, you know who you are and stand in your power.  Cognisant and composed you overcome the challenges ahead to make an impact.

Keen to find out more about this leadership development programme for vertical growth?  Self mastery & mental fitness for calm, conscious, capable leaders.  Click here for details.

What is equanimity and why do leaders need it?

The skill of equanimity is one of remaining calm, even tempered and composed, regardless of what’s happening around us.  It’s the cool head in the heat of the moment and helps us cultivate patience.  Something critical to navigating these times of uncertainty but also critical for leaders.

The person in room with the most control is generally the one with the lowest heart rate.  When you’re in control of yourself you don’t need to control others.

I love combining my decade of leadership with my decade of study with Buddhist monks and nuns. I believe we can learn a lot from ancient traditions and as I weave this ancient eastern wisdom into the western people psychology my career in HR taught me this is the skill that has had the biggest impact.

Equanimity is the mental state of being calm and centred, even in the face of challenging circumstances.  It helps us regulate our emotions, navigate life and excel in leadership.

I was chatting to Dr Ashley Bloomfield at a recent speaker event at our speaking agency.  We were talking about the importance of calm and how it promotes trust.  I said to him “During those pandemic briefings on TV it didn’t really matter what you were saying we all believed you and felt like you had it covered, you delivered it with such calmness you appeared in control and competent” I meant it as a compliment!

It’s true though when a leader is flustered or angry we feel uneasy, it seeps into the team and yet when they present calmly we trust they have it in hand.

This has rung true for me during some of the toughest times in my leadership journey.  Being told a staff member had died by suicide and having to drop everything to go to a meeting room where their team and manager had gathered.  Not only to speak to them but to arrange the logistics of support and communication across the business.  To bring the rest of the staff together to announce the news and manage the subsequent aftermath.  What many said to me during those times has been; ‘you were so calm’.  Often our calm can be contagious, it puts others at ease when we enter a room, before we’ve even said a word.

It also allows us to operate from a place of grounded clarity.  Our brains change in fight or flight and when we’re stressed or worried we don’t perform as well.  We can’t because our bodies decide to focus on the physiological stuff that’ll keep us alive not how well we can articulate the brief.

I like to think of it like the ocean.  Each day, depending on the weather the surface can be different, sometimes the waves are high and it’s quite rough.    It’s impacted by whatever the weather is doing and yet below the surface the water is always still, quiet and calm.  We get a sense of this when diving or snorkelling.

It's a core aspect of zen traditions whether that’s in marital arts or meditation and something I’ve learned from my time with Buddhist monks and nuns.  Many hours of meditation is spent understanding and experiencing that uncomfortable things can happen and yet inside we can remain equanimous.  It’s often not what happens to us but our reaction to it.

Building equanimity can help leaders to handle difficult situations with greater ease and respond with wisdom, instead of reactivity. From my book LeaderZEN, here are some steps to help build equanimity:

1.       Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness meditation is a powerful tool for building equanimity. It helps us become more aware of our thoughts and emotions and to cultivate a sense of detachment from them.

2.       Cultivate gratitude: Focusing on the things we’re grateful for can help to shift the mind away from negative thoughts and emotions and cultivate a sense of composure.

3.       Develop emotional intelligence: Understanding our own emotions and those of others can help us manage them more effectively and respond with greater wisdom and compassion.

4.       Practice self-compassion: Treating ourselves with kindness and compassion, instead of harsh self-criticism, can help to build emotional resilience.

5.       Engage in physical activity: Regular physical activity can help to reduce stress, improve mood, and promote a sense of well-being, which can contribute to building equanimity.

6.       Surround yourself with positive influences: positive people and experiences can help us foster a positive outlook on life and promote emotional stability.

7.       Embrace uncertainty: Embracing uncertainty and practicing acceptance can help to build equanimity, as we learn to let go of our attachment to outcomes we can’t control and focus on the present moment.

 Find out more about my new programme, LeaderZEN and book of the same name here

The power of self mastery for leaders in this new era

“Knowing others is intelligence.  Knowing yourself is true wisdom.  Mastering others is strength.  Mastering yourself is true power” Lao Tzu

We often think about leadership as something we do to, and for, others yet it always starts with us.  Without this deep understanding of ourselves we can not be effective leaders or lead with confidence.  It’s our inner game and how as leaders we lead from the inside out.  A concept I refer to as self-mastery.  Whether it’s martial arts or meditation the zen masters have a deep intimate knowledge of themselves and the utmost self control as a result.

When we have mastered ourselves the rest is easy, but mastering ourselves is also one of the hardest things to achieve.

When we have developed self-mastery, we move forward consciously and steadily towards our goals. We know our purpose, and we have the self-discipline needed to do things in an intentional, focused way.  Self-mastery also means mastering our emotions, impulses, and actions, and is vital in terms of leadership brand.

Self-mastery refers to the ability to control and regulate your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours in order to achieve goals. It involves developing a deep understanding of yourself, including strengths, weaknesses, and values, and using this knowledge to cultivate inner peace, emotional intelligence, and a strong sense of purpose. Self-mastery requires discipline, perseverance, and a willingness to continuously learn and grow, both as a person and as a leader.

A conscious leader is aware, not just of themselves but also of others and their environment.  Conscious leaders are awake to opportunities, they can read a room and they often know what’s going on before anyone has spoken a word.  This deep awareness gives them an advantage and is achieved through self mastery.

The best ways to build awareness are through reflective practices and gathering feedback.  Self mastery isn’t about controlling yourself or dominating those fearful parts within us.  It’s about getting to know these parts, but then transcending them.  It’s why it’s such a challenge because on one hand we have the drive for growth and yet on the other hand a need for safety and these two psychological needs can often compete in this space.  We stop when it gets hard or want to run when the fear arises and yet it’s an inevitable part of our growth.

Self mastery is not to be confused with confidence.  Just because we think we’re great or have it figured out doesn’t mean it’s true.  In fact it’s more likely to indicate we’ve not mastered ourself and is a common theme among narcissists.

Self mastery is to be aware of your strengths and limitations, self disciplined to work on yourself and grow with the self control to exert a strong will against our impulses to steer our inner ship with equanimity.

It’s a commitment to never-ending improvement; it’s a process of becoming.  This journey of self mastery requires us to find ways to transcend fear and break through resistance. 

According to Deepak Chopra to be focused on the path of Self-Mastery requires us to be one-pointed without being rigid. It requires us to stay alert, unemotional, and mature. To be firm without oppression, to be resolved without judgment, to be strong with humility. It requires us to practice silence and stillness so our inner wisdom can reveal itself. Self-Mastery also requires us to be courageous, to step out from the crowd.

My advice is always to take it slowly.  Self mastery can take years so patience is a must.  Always ask yourself “what have I learned from this?” Take small steps along the path by setting small goals.  Go easy on yourself and know we’re all a work in progress and this doesn’t stop us also being a masterpiece at the same time. 

What does your personal development plan look like?  What’s your vision for your future self?  What kind of leader are you and who do you want to be?

Authentic leadership and the power of leading like you live

“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are” Brene Brown

I love the concept of leading like you live.  It is congruent and authentic and allows a human centered leadership that means we’re bringing our whole selves to work.

When I first entered into management in a male-dominated timber manufacturing business in the UK, I used to think showing any signs of kindness would be viewed as weak. I used to play down skills like empathy and try to act like the tough business leader I thought the world expected me to be.

Authenticity wasn’t talked about then, certainly not in leadership.  I used to feel like I took my ‘Jess’ hat off at the door and put my leadership hat on which was a sort of armor based on who I thought a leader should be.  None of it was authentically me but I was desperate to fit the mould and had no other experience to draw from.

I now run lead with confidence programmes for emerging leaders and when we start a new cohort there’s always people waiting to be told the secrets, given the key to the secret leadership box and learn a whole heap of new skills they didn’t know in order to be ‘a leader’.  It makes sense as that’s how we prepared for our technical roles, often for decades. 

Learning what we needed to know and becoming qualified before we got the job.  Leadership tends to happen the other way around and most of us learn by doing.  It’s true though that most of the unique skills and traits we’ve had since school are the same ones we end up relying on when we get into leadership.

My mentor and leadership expert, Matt Church often says it’s a predisposition not a position and I think this is so true.  It’s a way of being not a title – something we are not what we do.

It’s why authenticity and self awareness are so important.  When we are authentic we are:

• true to our own personality, values, and essence (regardless of any pressure to act otherwise)

• We’re honest with ourself and with others

• We take responsibility for our mistakes

• Our values, ideals, and actions align

The biggest two challenges to us achieving this in my experience are comparison and perfection.  Even when we know who we are we sometimes wish we were a little bit better, or more like that person.

Brene Brown explains this beautifully in Atlas of the Heart; “Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other.  It is trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.  It says be like everyone else but better.”

As humans we are predisposed to compare to others.  There is sometimes this feeling the grass might be greener or we’d be better leaders if we were more like them.

It can be our comparison to others that encourages us to aim for perfection.  A common trait in high achievers, it often comes from our fear of failing or making a mistake.  Yet as humans that’s an inevitable part of us learning and growing.  The drive for perfection often comes from an insecurity based on not being good enough.  We’re trying to prove ourselves and over deliver when we aim for perfection.  It’s understanding the difference between excellence or mastery and that additional, unrealistic, step perfection.  Perfection wants to deliver above and beyond excellence and mastery and we know that doesn’t always exist.  Which is why so often when we aim for perfect we set ourselves up to fail.

Yet perfection is often held up as the standard we should aspire to and a positive trait in leaders.  My experience is that it actually puts us at higher risk or burnout, micro managing and never feeling like we’ve achieved enough.  It’s also less authentic.  Dame Jenny Shipley said at a conference I was at one year “the closer you are to perfect the less people will trust you”  it really stuck with me.  In an era where we prize human centered leadership and authenticity, appearing superhuman or not real in some way means people are less likely to feel we’re genuine.  They’re less likely to build trust and connect with us as a leader.  When we’re authentic and congruent and vulnerable about our imperfections this is so much easier to trust and connect to because people can see it’s real.  It’s a fundamental component of human centred leadership.

When we show up as human we’re more genuine, people trust us and can see we have integrity.  There’s a congruence that comes with authenticity.

Whilst vulnerability is hard it becomes an advantage in the leadership space when building an authentic brand.

7 ways to stop you and your team burning out

The World Health Organisation predict burnout will be a global pandemic in less than a decade and The  World Economic Forum estimates an annual burnout cost of GBP 225B to the global economy.  We know there’s an organisational cost of burnout too with increased turnover, absenteeism and of course the obvious impact on performance. 

Burnout has increased since the pandemic and the future is uncertain. Here are 7 ways you can beat burnout for yourself and your team.

1.      Mind your busyness – it’s not a badge of honour or a reflection of how valuable you are.  It’s a sign you’re not at your best if you’re always busy and probably running on an empty tank.  Slow down so you can be effective, rather than busy.

2.      Prioritise rest and self-care to build your resilience and ensure you are a sustainable resource.  Talk about the things you do with your team and ask others what they do to keep this front of mind and show it’s an important part of leading yourself regardless of your role/hierarchy.

3.      Know your triggers when burnout is approaching, audit your energy levels and fuel the tank as necessary.

4.      Master the art of tiny gains and focus on one thing at a time.  Teams with too many priorities will feel overwhelmed and spread too thin.  It’ll also hamper their progress on said priorities.  Out of all your priorities which is the actual priority for now.  The most important thing for day or this week?  Start there.

5.      Structure your life for success (harness the power of good habits).  This can be as simple as taking a lunchbreak, introducing walking meetings or keeping a tidy desk.  This also means delegating, setting boundaries and saying no to ensure you’ve not overcommitted or spread yourself too thin.

6.      Create space. Thinking space is so critical; it’s where we innovate, it’s how we think strategically, it’s how we calm our minds, it’s also how we focus and gain clarity to make decisions and solve problems.  Not to mention the impact it has on overwhelm, stress and our emotional regulation.  Make sure there’s space in your schedule.  It’s often where we add the most value and impact because of the ideas we generate that our creativity simply can’t access in a busy, noisy, overloaded brain doing back to back meetings and a hundred emails.

7.      Get your flow on – the art of flow increases our productivity and focus allowing us to access a state of deep work.  Know the kind of environment you need for focus and understand your daily rhythms so you know when you’re at your most productive.  The same goes for those you work alongside.

Most importantly, as a leader, role model this stuff.  Your people follow your example rather than your opinion.  It’s not good telling everyone else to log off and go home to rest if you’re still sending emails at 10pm.

These are just a few of the tips from my Burnout to Brilliance programme where we so the practical work to bring these theories to life.  It’s designed to allow us to find more time, to battle the busyness and cut through the noise to do important work, to improve our focus.  It helps us understand burnout and avoid it.  It helps our teams improve their productivity and focus.  To understand the habits of high performing people and how we can hack some of those habits to gain control of our schedule and to overcome some of the overwhelm that can happen when we get busy. 

Burned out staff will not perform at their peak, they will also not be engaged.  We know that that has an impact on the bottom line.  Retention will suffer as they won't be sticking around and there will be the obvious impact on productivity.  To enable your team to perform at their peak, to re-energise, to re-engage, to press reset.  We need a new way of thinking, a new way of doing things. To develop some practical strategies to wipe the slate clean, move forward and to be our best without burning out in the process. 

Find out more about the Burnout to Brilliance Programme for your organisation here.

The beginner's mind and why we're all constant learners

“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously” Sophia Bush

Do you speak to give knowledge or listen to gain it?  There’s a place for both and as a leader ensuring there’s a balance of both is crucial.

In the past knowledge has been power and there’s been a pressure for leaders to know all the answers or to be the ones telling others what they think or how it should be done.  This means it gets done your way but not necessarily the best way.

Growth and development is an area I’ve worked in for years and a passion I’ve always had. I believe we can be both improving and learning as well as being amazing and brilliant – all at once.  Buddhists talk of, the beginner’s mind.  Approaching everything with a curiosity that we’re here to learn even if we’ve done it before because the reality is we’re always learning, there’s always growth.  We’re always a beginner even when we’re an expert.

Ako is a traditional Māori practice that means both 'to learn' and 'to teach' and I think that sums it up perfectly.

We can put so much pressure on ourselves to know all the answers or be the expert and it can be uncomfortable to sit in this place of learning, of not knowing.  But it’s this open and curious mind that keeps us developing and growing and helps us achieve our potential.

It’s this theory of improving ourselves rather than trying to prove ourselves.  That we’re learning and growing not trying to validate or prove we’re good enough.

No matter how much experience, awards or titles we have we’re still learning.  It’s retaining this curiosity and knowledge that we never know it all that keeps us open and agile to things we may otherwise miss.

I’m the first to admit, regardless of what I’m speaking about that I’m not to only expert in the room.  The richness of the conversations and the resulting ideas and new thoughts I then have from those events can prove invaluable.

Last year I got into a habit of rereading books I’ve already read.  I’d never thought of it before until someone suggested it to me.  My friend made a valid point.  We don’t retain most of the information when we read it the first time and were a different person now than we were 5 years ago when we read it so we’ll probably get different value from it too.  There might have been things we didn’t understand or forgot completely or just make more sense now.  A way of revisiting ideas and seeing how they apply now. 

Remaining curious means we’re more likely to collaborate and accept we’re not the only expert in the room.  It takes a lot of courage to admit to not knowing or to seek help and support.  It’s a courageous act for a leader to embrace this beginners mind and commit to being a constant learner and yet one that also makes us better leaders.

14 things leaders can learn from zen traditions

Adrianna Huffington said ““We are at an inflection point for leaders.  But meeting the challenges of navigating the new normal isn’t just about looking out; it’s about looking in.  What’s missing from our conversation is how leaders need to show up ready to lead from what is best, wisest, more creative and empathetic in them”

Leadership has been evolving for the last decade and the pandemic and has seen yet another iteration as we keep up with the ongoing demands of the role.  A shift from a traditional style of leadership to embrace leading a new generation and a post pandemic workforce requires leaders who are authentic, calm, empathetic and collaborative.  Leaders who have compassion, patience and the ability to listen, those not afraid to be vulnerable. With strong awareness they are adaptable and capable of leading others through change whilst regulating their own emotions.

Whether it’s talent shortages, recruitment difficulties, performance management, engagement or staff morale leaders carry a high burden which has been exacerbated by the global pandemic.  Battling with empathy fatigue, change weariness, integrating hybrid working and trying to keep a culture of collaboration.  It’s no wonder burnout is on the rise as we not only adapt to a new normal but also lead others through this landscape.

It's what lead me to write LeaderZEN and share what we can learn from zen traditions to support leaders in this new era.  I have been fortunate to spend a decade in HR and leadership development, have been a senior leader myself and have also spent a decade studying across the globe with Buddhist monks and nuns.  This ability to weave ancient eastern zen wisdom into our western people psychology of leadership development has combined to form LeaderZEN and things we can learn about self-mastery to make us better leaders.

What can leaders learn from zen traditions and what does a zen leader do and why is it so impactful?

1.       Equanimity: Zen leaders maintain an even and stable mind, not easily swayed by emotions or external events.

2.       Personal growth: Leaders can use zen teachings to continually strive for personal growth and development, which can lead to more effective leadership.

3.       Compassion: Zen leaders approach their work and interactions with compassion, understanding, and empathy, treating all individuals with kindness and respect.

4.       Wisdom: Zen leaders approach problems and challenges with wisdom, using a holistic and intuitive perspective to find solutions.

5.       Authenticity: Zen leaders lead with authenticity, being true to themselves and their values, and modeling transparency and honesty.

6.       Flexibility: Zen leaders are flexible and adaptable, remaining open to change and new ideas.

7.       Emotional intelligence: Zen leaders have high emotional intelligence, being aware of their own emotions and able to effectively manage them, as well as understanding and managing the emotions of others.

8.       Simplicity: Zen leaders focus on what is important, simplifying their approach and avoiding unnecessary complexities.

9.       Self-awareness: Zen leaders are highly self-aware, having a deep understanding of themselves and their impact on others.

There’s a lot we can learn from zen traditions and how they apply to leadership to improve our capability and help us navigate this new era of leadership post pandemic.  For those keen to go a bit deeper with this here’s a few more zen principles I think are useful for leaders to contemplate:

10.   Mindfulness and awareness: Leaders can learn to be present in the moment and maintain a clear mind to make informed decisions.

11.   Non-attachment: Leaders can learn to let go of attachment to status and ego which can reduce stress and increase focus on what is truly important.  Allowing us to be more collaborative and inclusive.

12.   Interdependence: Leaders can understand that everything is interconnected, and that success depends on the well-being of others, not just themselves.

13.   Ethical behaviour: Leaders can inform their own moral code of conduct similar to the Buddhist Eightfold Path, which lays out guidelines for ethical behaviour and decision-making in zen traditions.

14.   Acceptance: Leaders can learn to accept life's impermanence and to not attach to outcomes, which can increase resilience in the face of change and uncertainty.

By embodying these traits, leaders can become more zen which in turn create a work environment that is supportive, empowering, and productive, fostering growth and well-being for themselves and their teams.

Find out more about LeaderZEN here

Lift as you climb: allies or queen bees?

I was talking about the role of allies at a recent WIL event.  Some of the stories that emerged were not always about needing other genders to be allies but how we as women treat each other.  As women I’ve always believed we need to lift as we climb and support each other on our journeys but this doesn’t always happen, why?

There’s a few reasons at play:

Lack of representation: In some cases, there may be so few women in leadership positions that there is a scarcity mentality around women's leadership. This can create a situation in which women feel like they have to compete with each other for a limited number of opportunities.  We can also see other women as competition sometimes and a threat to our own career advancement, especially if we feel there’s a limited number of roles for women to go around.  This leads to us being rivals not allies to each other.

These behaviours can also come from an assumption that women need to be more aggressive and look after number one in a bid to be more authoritative, or adopt a more masculine style of leadership so many of us have had role modelled over the years.  We might dim our femininity in a bid to be taken more seriously as a leader or fit in around a table dominated by men.

And of course we can’t over look the role of internalised sexism: Women, like men, can be socialised to believe in gender stereotypes that portray women as less competent, less decisive, and less deserving of leadership positions than men.

Regardless of what plays into it my view is that when women behave in this way it comes from a place of fear, insecurity and scarcity.  Either because they’ve had it hard or feel there’s not enough leadership roles for women to go around and feel patch protection of their own place.  Above all though it’s likely to come from their own insecurities and feelings they’re not good enough or don’t belong.

It is my firm belief that we are stronger together than we are apart. Collaboration is such an important part of our success and yet we’re taught to compete with each other as women and that our success should be at the expense of someone else’s.

It’s led to the term ‘Queen Bee’ meaning one who has succeeded in her career, but refuses to help other women do the same.  But it’s not just the scarcity mind-set that feeds this behaviour. Lack of self-awareness can play a major role. Competitive threats or simply the feeling that if I had to do it tough so should you. 

Sadly there are examples of good people and not so good people in our work regardless of gender. Examples of those with EQ and those who lack that awareness and emotional agility – again regardless of gender. 

We should also not underestimate the decades of role modelling and masculine leadership styles we’ve been exposed to either. For some women there is still a sense of feeling like we need to be more like men and more aggressive to be taken seriously or succeed. They are fearful of been seen as too soft or weak so go way too far in the other direction in a bid to be seen as ‘leadership material’. 

But most of what I’ve witnessed and researched leaves me to conclude that much of the Queen Bee behaviour comes from women’s own insecurities. Those who are scared to death of getting ‘found out’ or exposed as not being up to leadership roles, not belonging in the workplace and at this senior table dominated by men. 

We know the leadership journey is more difficult for women and it doesn’t stop when they arrive either. So whilst these women may have it hard that’s still no excuse for queen bee behaviour.  We’re in a position to help them understand what it’s been like for us and mentor them through the journey they’re on that we’ve already taken. This doesn’t mean we’re being soft or weak, in fact it’s a strength of a leader if we can help others develop and succeed. 

Leaders can be firm but fair without needing the aggression or sabotage often see by Queen Bees. Firm but fair looks like; High expectations, holding you to account, feedback and suggestions for ways you can improve, expecting delivery as per your role and wanting the best from you. However, Queen Bees often over step the mark and when the line is crossed this can manifest as bullying.

Glorified by movies like The Devil Wears Prada and books like Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office there was a pressure for women to need to be less feminine to succeed, to be less like a woman if you wanted to be a leader and to disregard kindness, collaboration, authenticity and some of the things we now know to be so critical.

In 1974, an article published in Psychology Today quoted (Tavris): “There is a group of antifeminist women who exemplify what we call the Queen Bee syndrome … The true Queen Bee has made it in the “man’s world” of work, while running a house and family with her left hand. “If I can do it without a whole movement to help me,” runs her attitude, “so can all those other women.”

But back in the 70’s the fierce and feared leadership style was favoured regardless of gender, a point Sherly Sandberg makes; “Women aren’t any meaner to women than men are to one another. Women are just expected to be nicer. We stereotype men as aggressive and women as kind. When women violate these stereotypes, we judge them harshly,” the Facebook COO wrote in The New York Times, 2016.

So perhaps it’s the simple fact that some people are nice and others not so much – regardless of gender. We all have examples of leaders we’d work with again in a heartbeat, and examples of those who’ve scared us for life and those examples include all genders. 

So whilst nightmare bosses will always exist regardless of gender, being able to lead ourselves and support others in the process and stand in our power is crucial. To feel confident enough to not need to be different or tougher or more masculine aids our strength as a leader. This also puts us in a prime position to help others succeed, to mentor, inspire others, help those that need it and lift as we climb.

In the spirit of collaboration and my firm belief that we are stronger together than we are apart, I enjoy bringing women together to share their wisdom to help inspire, motivate and empower each other.

Summed up perfectly in this whakatauki - He waka eke noa. We’re all in this together (all in the same boat) and I believe we’re more powerful together than we’ll ever be apart.

Find out more about my gender equity work and bringing my popular women’s leadership programme into your organisation.