Recently I was on a business development training session. It’s a team I know well and have studied with for the last year or two. It’s a good mix gender wise and full of clever people who I admire and respect. It’s led by a middle aged white Australian man who demonstrated such a great example of Allyship I felt the need to write about it. Matt has done a huge amount of work on himself, he has an awareness that is uncommon and as a result of knowing who he is and being comfortable in his own skin he is infinitely more open, grounded and conscious. It also makes him an inclusive leader and we need more of them.
As people were feeding back from a breakout session the conversation had been dominated by the men in the room, despite there being almost as many women on the call. Matt simply asked to hear from anyone on the call who did not identify as male and it opened up the conversation in a whole different way. He wasn’t asking the men to stop speaking (and they’d all had an opportunity to speak) but he’d noticed the balance was off and the conversation was less rich as a result. He was also aware that in a leadership group dominated by men sometimes we need to create the space for women to speak. Doing this once meant that the awareness was created for everyone on the call for the duration of the session. The voices were more balanced and the conversation richer as a result.
It wasn’t hard but it was impactful. You might be thinking, but why can’t women just speak up without being asked?
The first point to know on this is that it’s not us, it’s the system. A lifetime of bias, cultural norms and gender stereotypes plays into what can often be subconscious for all involved, regardless of gender.
A leadership colleague of mine recently relayed her experience in a similar session. She observed the differences with a mix of male and female facilitators addressing her group. She told me “One man called the female facilitator the wrong name 3 times. She didn’t correct him. He called a male facilitator the wrong name and was corrected immediately.”
It’s not uncommon for the women I work with to talk about needing more time to warm up and feel comfortable to speak up, to second guess themselves and hold back – especially if the conversation is being dominated by men. My clients report often being spoken over by men, interrupted by facilitators, having their ideas called into question (until they state their expertise) and needing to feel more like an expert to ‘hold their space’ in a meeting where men will freely give their opinions even if it’s not their area of expertise.
Remember this isn’t about the women not having the skills, it’s about a lifetime of social norms that have taught us to keep quiet, go last, think of ourselves as second best, allow others to have the power and to be liked and fit in above all else. Right from the movies we’ve watched, the books our parents read to us as kids and the way to world has taught us we should behave as a woman.
Women's roles and expectations have been moulded over centuries, leading to these biases and stereotypes. For generations, women were expected to be in domestic spaces, their contributions undervalued and their aspirations limited. Understanding this history is crucial to brining awareness to the barriers that continue to hinder progress.
The one thing that helps in this space is awareness and intention. According to the stats for women to have an equal voice there needs to be 75% representation of women in a group. That means we need 25% more women in the group to ensure an equal voice, to offset the societal norms and gender stereotypes.
We have got so used to men’s voices and male domination that we often don’t even question it or realise it’s an issue. That’s where awareness comes in and actions of allies like Matt.
When I talk about the double bind I refer to how women are traditionally seen as nurturing, compassionate, and compliant, while leadership and assertiveness are predominantly associated with masculinity. Addressing gender equity requires challenging and changing these limiting beliefs. It also requires an increase in awareness and education around Allyship.
Find out more about my activating allies programme here