The middle way and moderating perfection

One of the concepts I learned during my time spent studying with Buddhist monks and nuns has been really useful in my quest for moderation.  The middle path or middle way as it sometimes known is all about moderation and finding the middle ground.

The middle path generally refers to the avoidance of two extremes.  Buddha himself started life as a prince and renounced his luxury lifestyle, to embrace the other extreme as an ascetic practicing severe austerities.

Eventually landing between those two extremes ultimately realising both indulgence and deprivation were equally useless, even detrimental to his goal of achieving awakening.

I like to think of this and apply it to my work as moderation.  Finding the middle ground between excess and scarcity.  I use it with perfectionists to allow for our overestimated goals and expectations.  With failure at the other end so we can find a middle ground that’s realistic and excellent between failure and perfection.

It's great to use in health goals and routines too.  I might not want to run a marathon but I don’t want to be a couch potato either.  I don’t want to be overweight but nor do I want to be starving.  Even where stress is concerned we have the middle way of eustress, positive motivational stress which sits between boredom and burnout.

It’s why sometimes you’ll see me enjoying a burger and a beer and other days I’ll be on a juice detox.  It’s why I can be sleeping in on a Sunday or up at 6am Tuesday to do yoga and meditation before a big gig.  I can enjoy a family BBQ or late night out (not as often these days to be fair!) and then on a silent meditation retreat the following weekend.  I believe in everything in moderation being the key to finding the joy without beating ourselves up.

There’s too much pressure on us these days to be perfect.  Social media has increased this sense of everyone else being a wellness warrior and us failing at life because we had a piece of cake.  The quest for perfection has been exacerbated and the middle way can help us find our way back.  Our excessive expectations push us to the extremes and that can be detrimental to our performance (and our general happiness and wellbeing).  When we return to the middle and find the middle way it can be the secret to success and reduce the pressure we so often, unnecessarily, put on ourselves.

I think this can also be a useful strategy in negotiations and team collaborations too.  When dealing with opposing views asking the question “what’s the middle path here?” can be one of the most useful conversations to reach a consensus.

So what’s your middle path and how might this concept be useful for your moderation goals?

What we learned from the women’s World Cup

As a fantastic tournament draws to a close I’m reflecting on the event, the experience, what it has meant both on and off the pitch and what we’ve learned.

FIFA President Gianni Infantino said women's football has experienced incredible growth and was confident that the World Cup ‘will win over anyone who remains skeptical about the merits of the women's game’.  I reckon it did!

I’m excited about the impact this tournament has both on and off the field and the light it has shone on women and equity, not just in sport.  Whilst I’m excited by this and delighted to see the progress we’ve made, if I’m honest, I’m also a little bit saddened for my own footballing past and the experience of those who played before the world caught up (and paved the way for this progress).

As a former player and avid fan of many years there’s not much I don’t know about this beautiful game.  I’d spend hours kicking a ball around my back garden from the age of about 9, eventually playing in senior teams.  An avid Manchester United fan I attended games and watched all the EPL highlights each weekend.  The sort of passion that makes ex pats get up at 2am in NZ to watch the FA Cup Final!

To see women produce such fabulous displays of football and for it to be supported in the way that it has warms my heart but as the tournament draws to a close, what has it taught us?

First we’ve learned that it is football not soccer and it’s nice to have cleared that up!  But there’s a few more myths it’s busted too about women’s sport.  Myths that men would go to great lengths to explain to me in pubs across England once they found out I played.  Which have mostly been versions of the following:

Women’s sport just isn’t as fast or skilful, they lack power.  Women’s sport doesn’t attract the crowds so won’t get the big sponsorship needed to invest in their development and pay.

As someone who’s watched and played thousands of hours of this beautiful game across genders I’m happy to share that the skill, pace, passion and competition on show at these games had me gripped.  Some of the best saves I’ve seen goal keepers make and the passing quality of teams like Spain, England and Portugal made me think of watching the Barcelona men play at the Nou Camp.  Add to that the stunning strikes from all over the pitch and quality of the penalty shoot outs and strength on the ball.

The stats back this up too.  England’s winning penalty kick in the round of 16 was recorded at 111km/hour, faster than any goal recorded in last season’s men’s Premier League in England.  Chloe Kelly the striker of that ball also ended her celebration to console (and protect from the cameras) the devastated Nigerian goal keeper.

The best way to summarise this though has been delivered through a French Ad and the use of AI to change the gender of the players in the national teams highlight reel.  This French telecom advert used AI to show we can’t really tell the difference.  Skill is skill, it’s just our bias that changes our view when we see the gender of the player on the ball.

So what about the interest that this masterclass of the beautiful game has garnered?

• 11.5 million people watched the Australia, England semi final which is the biggest rating in Australia since the system began, for anything not just sport

• Before that their round of 16 game against Denmark attracted more TV viewers than both the AFL grand final and the State of Origin. 

• The Matildas opening match saw a stadium crowd of 75,784

• The Matalidas had already at that point sold more jerseys than their male counterparts the Socceroos did during and since the last mens World Cup.

• Whilst a smaller population it’s also worth noting that 42,137 came out to watch New Zealand's opener.  The biggest crowd in our country's football history — men's or women's.

• With 2 billion global TV viewers the tournament viewership has almost doubled since the last women’s World Cup.

In the space of a decade crowds at women’s football games like these has gone from 700 to over 70,000.  We’ve also seen reports of Irish towns moving morning mass times and Brazil changing work times for civil servants so that people can watch games.  There was even talk of a public holiday should Australia have won the World Cup!

This is before we consider the impacts off the field.  The economic growth the tournament has provided Australia and New Zealand and the millions of young girls watching on who can now be what they see, certainly a privilege I was never afforded growing up as a female player 20 years ago.  It wasn’t something that girls did, there were no girls teams at high school and it was certainly off the cards as a career option.

Parents have reported that, without prompting, their boys want a replica Rapinoe shirt just as much as a Messi one.  In their eyes they’re simply both football idols – gender doesn’t come into it.

So I think it’s fair to say that whoever has said that women’s sport isn’t as good or doesn’t get the eyeballs is quite frankly been proven very wrong.  However that’s not the end of this story and this tournament has also shone a light on the extreme inequity that still exists.

What’s most impressive for me is not just the above stats but that these women have achieved that with one hand tied behind their back figuratively speaking.  Alongside these headlines have been ones of ill fitting kit, below par training camps and preparation and of course a huge lack of investment financially and pay inequity. 

During this World Cup it has transpired that much of the kit was made for men, meaning the shorts had to be rolled over at the top and the socks kept falling down the shins.  The answer to making women enough football boots to satisfy a tournament of this size was just to produce smaller mens boots.  Now this is not a new approach to making things for women.  Most of what we see in our life (our cars, medical procedures, air conditioning, furniture, iphones and infrastructure) have all been made with men in mind and more often than not the female alternative is just a smaller version of the mens.  As if women are just smaller, lesser than versions of a man.  The thing is, that’s not true so it doesn’t work.  One of the reasons there’s been many ankle injuries throughout this World Cup may be because of said boots.  Women’s bodies are not just smaller mens bodies, we’re built differently so our uniforms have to allow for this.  The same applies whether it’s our football teams or our emergency services and yet this same mistake is still being made today.

So whilst we’re making progress, there’s still a long way to go.  Still faced with harassment and discrimination the game is different for girls.  It’s been well covered at this World Cup the number of teams considering strike action over lack of pay.  The South African women’s team are paid a tenth of their male counterparts.  The families of the Jamaican team talked of their crowdfunding campaign to fund the trip in absence of support from their Football Association.

The Matildas gripped a nation and yet their prize money is still nowhere near what the Socceroos received in their World Cup, despite the Matildas gaining much more success on the field.  In fact the round of 16 exit for the Socceroos at the last mens World Cup got a bigger payout than the overall winner of this years women’s World Cup (nearly three times more in fact)!

A lot of work has gone into even getting this far, with the USA team campaigning tirelessly for equal pay despite being infinitely more successful than the USA men for decades.  It was only in 2007 FIFA first awarded prize money at the Women’s World Cup.  25 years after it did the same for the mens competition.  Even today the prize money sits at one quarter of that paid to the men.

It’s been fabulous to see so many people, especially families and men at the games.  It’s also been warming to hear of people talking about ‘the game’ last night and not having to specify it was women’s football.  It’s not the women’s World Cup, just the World Cup and it doesn’t matter which gender occupies the shirts.  This may lead to us acknowledging the existence of others beyond the men that play in our accolades and giving credit to the amazing achievements of those in the womens game.

Perhaps quotes from FIFA like ‘Ronaldo is the first player to score at 5 World Cups’ can now be corrected to say ‘first male player’ with a nod to Brazilian, Marta who did it first and scored at five consecutive Olympics.

I’m proud we’ve co-hosted this tournament in a way that has shone a spotlight on women’s sport and been part of this journey.  There’s still a way to go but the progress has just been helped enormously by this experience.  Whether it’s equal pay, professional facilities, investment in support staff and training the future is bright. 

If this is what we can do with what we’ve got currently, imagine the quality of a tournament when all these women get equal access to the funds and support around the international teams in the men’s game!

If you’re a women in sport or committed to leveling the playing field you might be interested in my next book, due out in 2024 you can find out more about PowHer here.

What buying an EV taught me about intentions and action

I recently bought a new car, my first electric one.  Well it’s PHEV so we can plug it in and be 100% electric on the island but have hybrid capabilities as well.  It’s something I’ve been thinking about and researching for a few years now.  Originating from a concern for the environment and wanting to do my bit but that alone wasn’t enough to make this happen.  Moving to Waiheke, the increased fuel costs and incentivised by government rebates finally made this happen.  It’s got me thinking.  Why wasn’t the concern for the environment enough, why aren’t our good intentions alone always enough to force us into action.  Whilst the good intentions give us the idea, the impetus to follow through often comes from consequences (like fuel prices on Waiheke), peer pressure (everyone else is doing it) or some kind of incentive (clean car rebates).

If we use another example, like eating healthily or exercising regularly.  We all know it’s good for us and we all know we’d be better off doing it but often it’s other factors combined with these good intentions that push us into action.  A health scare, a free membership or my friend just lost 10kg.

So what goals are you considering?  Where do you have good intentions that haven’t manifest themselves into action yet?  What have you been thinking about doing but not quite got there yet?  Where are the opportunities to add some incentives or consequences to make that decision easier to make.  Is it spending more time with the family, getting healthy?  Setting better boundaries at work?  Saying no and evening out the workload at home?  Maybe it’s a trip you’ve been meaning to take or hobby you’d like to pursue now the kids are older?  Sometimes combining those good intentions with some consequences and incentives help us make them happen.

Need some help getting your goals from intentions to action? Check out my coaching programmes

Slow progress is still movement in the right direction

I’m recovering from knee surgery, everything is very slow right now!  Within a week I’d gone from step counts, yoga classes and surf reports to measuring how many more degrees my knee now bends and setting goals for straightening my leg.  It’s painfully slow, quite literally.

As always though, these times teach us.  This forced slowness allows me to rest and recover, to take time out and use this inward focused time at home to think and create whilst I can’t be out and about.

It’s left me reflecting on how grateful I am to have access to this kind of health care.  The support of my family whilst I rehab and the flexibility of my work.  It’s also taught me that we often take for granted the simple things like the ability to walk, until we can’t and then we realise what a blessing it is.  As with many things in life we don’t realise how lucky we are until we get the chance to miss it or it’s taken away.

For anyone who is strong and independent you’ll know how hard it is when you need help.  When even putting your own socks on becomes a mammoth task!  The frustration of even the smallest activities being a challenge.  Making a cup of tea, wanting to make the fire or do some washing.  Yet it’s good practice for us because it forces us into having to ask for help, rely on support and know that we’re not a superhero and nor do we need to be strong and independent all the time.

I’m also mindful that I’m unable to do some of the activities I rely on for my own self care and mental health.  Yoga and surfing are off the list for some months, walking isn’t an option for a while.  I can’t even sit in my usual meditation posture.  It’s meant readjusting and coming up with a plan B for self care.  Focusing on what I still can do rather than grieving for what I can’t.  I can still watch others surf and spend time at the beach in the sun.  I can journal, listen to podcasts, read.  I’m able to meditate laying down.  The dog loves having me home 24/7 too!

So I now have different measures of success for the next few months, from miles ran to millimetres moved.  Yet whilst it’s slow it’s still progress.  It reminds me of the saying that whatever we do in a day with what we have is good enough.  My goals look very different for the next few months and I’m making peace with that.  As most high achievers will tell you, that’s the hardest part.  Moderating your expectations and flexing based on where you’re at.  Admitting that whilst we’re all capable of brilliance we won’t be brilliant every day.

So for now I’ll celebrate the small wins, readjust my expectations and know that even small steps lead to the same destination.

Calm and composed: it's not something we learn, it's who we are

It’s a skill I most value in myself and others and one that’s stood me is good stead both in work and life.

Whether it was dealing with employee deaths during my HR career, public speaking nerves in the early days of my authorship or simply responding to life events, composure is something that not only moderates our response and regulates our emotions but can leave us feeling clear and calm to face what ever is in front of us.  To respond rather than react and to come from a place of considered logic rather than blind panic!

People often ask me how do we learn to be calm and composed?  Whilst I don’t run any courses that focus on this I do run plenty of training and coaching sessions on self mastery and it gets the same result.  Here’s why.

I don’t believe calm, clarity and composure is something new we need to learn.  I believe it’s a capability we all have deep within, it’s just that we’ve lost touch with it.  It’s not something we learn it’s something we are.  Our busy lives, workload pressures and information overload has seen us so far removed from this natural state we think it’s a new skill we need to master.  Rather than something we’re born with that we can tap back into once the stress and overwhelm subsides.  Calm and composed is our natural state.  Just like water before the weather stirs it up or a stone is thrown into the lake.

It comes from deep knowledge of self and if we can keep coming back to this seed within that’s our essence, without all the stress and busyness, we’ll find this is where the calm lives.  It’s when we get still and quiet we can tap into this state of being.  We remove the layers of stress, busyness and distraction and find it’s been there all along.

When we know ourselves we’re more grounded, we’re better able to regulate our emotions and we know our triggers.  It’s about creating the conditions to be our best self.  Calm and composed is not something we learn, it’s something we are.

When I run retreats I’ll often talk about the concept of a retreat within.  A feeling and a place of peace my attendees can take with them long after the retreat ends and a place we carry within that we can retreat to anytime, even during daily life when we might not have a cottage in the country complete with massage and sauna.  This place within where we find peace is our natural state of calm and composure and it’s accessible to us anytime, if we cultivate it.  And by that we have to find time to be quiet and still long enough to allow the busyness and distraction to subside and open up this place of inner peace and calm.

It’s from here we make our wisest decisions, tap into our intuition and find the ability to respond rather than react.  It’s a place where equanimity lives, a sense of inner peace and groundedness.

So rather than having to learn to master another skillset.  Try finding some space to be still and quiet and see if you can tap into your natural state of being, this calm inner peace that exists in all  of us if we stop long enough to find it.

What's in your knowledge jar?

It’s not unusual for us to believe, as leaders, we have to have all the answers and be an expert to take our place at the leadership table. It’s an aspect of leadership (especially when new to the job) that can leave us struggling with confidence and imposter syndrome whilst we’re learning the role.

The myth is that we have to be an expert before we can be of value. It’s a confidence thing. I liken it to a jar of marmite. The jar doesn’t have to be full for it to be of use, we get marmite out of it even when it’s only half full. Yet with our internal jars of knowledge we so often under estimate the contents unless they’re full. It can lead to us not sharing ideas, asking questions of challenging others. Our lack of confidence wants the jar to be full so we’re sure we know enough.

I don’t have a full jar (and I perhaps never will as I believe we’re always learning) and yet I know I can share something of value. If we wait for ours jars to be full, to be experts we may never share the things that’ll help others, innovate, solve problems and create new ideas in the world.

You don’t have to know all the answers to be an expert and you don’t have to have a full jar of knowledge to have expertise in something. In fact it's part of our continuous improvement journey and a concept I talk about in LeaderZEN, the benefit of having a beginners mind.

These expertise we add to our jar don’t always come from our CV either. I believe our life events and lived experience can provide just as much expertise and if we’re not sharing that with the world we’re missing out.

So next time you’re worried you’re not ‘expert enough’ or waiting for more knowledge to accumulate in your jar remember the marmite and no matter how much is in there it’s always useful!

5 ways empathy and kindness make us great leaders

Leaders who are influential in modelling kindness to their staff benefit from increased employee well-being and engagement.  Kind leaders create environments where relationships thrive and people feel safe.  Including self-respect, respect for others, respect for diversity and the value it brings. Psychological safety is a key outcome of kindness in leadership.

Harvard Business School’s Amy Cuddy says that even before establishing their own credibility and competence, leaders who project warmth are more effective than people who lead with toughness. Kindness and warmth appears to accelerate trust.  But, the link between kindness and great leadership extends beyond just the relationship we have with employees. Studies show it also increases employee performance.

Former Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern said “one of the criticisms I’ve faced over the years is I’m not aggressive enough, or maybe somehow, because I’m empathetic, it means I’m weak.  I totally rebel against that.  I refuse to believe that you cannot be both compassionate and strong.”

It makes sense: if we’re strong in empathy, we are more likely to get along with our fellow humans, and if we have control over emotions, our relationships will be more effective, we’ll also better be able to read and room and influence and negotiate with this kind of awareness.

Those high in empathy often have greater emotional intelligence, the ability to understand and effectively manage our emotions. People who have high degrees of emotional intelligence are able to better manage emotions, insecurities or fear and are therefore able to react to many situations in more appropriate and effective ways. 

Empathy and kindness are important traits for leaders because they help to create a positive and supportive work environment, where employees feel valued, respected, and motivated. Here are some specific ways that empathy and kindness can benefit leaders:

1.       Better relationships: Empathy allows leaders to understand and connect with employees on a deeper level, leading to better relationships, increased trust, and improved communication.

2.       Increased motivation: Kindness and compassion can inspire employees to go the extra mile and feel more motivated, which can lead to improved performance and increased productivity.

3.       Improved decision-making: Empathy can help leaders to see things from other people's perspectives, leading to better decision-making and more equitable treatment of employees.

4.       Enhanced creativity and innovation: When employees feel valued and supported, they are more likely to be creative and innovative, which can lead to improved outcomes and therefore business success.

5.       Better workplace culture: Empathy and kindness can help to create a workplace culture that is supportive, inclusive, and positive, which can lead to higher job satisfaction and lower turnover rates.

Leaders who demonstrate empathy and kindness are able to build stronger relationships with employees, foster a positive workplace culture, and drive better results for their organisations. These traits are essential for effective leadership and can help to create a more compassionate and equitable workplace.

Introverts: ever feel like the world wasn't made for you?

Have you ever been told you need to speak up more at meetings?  Wish you could think on the spot.  Feel the pressure to give your best answer now despite needing to consider and reflect?

Not a fan of the open plan office, envy the life and souls of the party.  Did you love working from home during the pandemic getting the quiet to focus.  Do you find it easier to participate more on chat than in the room?

The world we live in has been made by males and extroverts for men and extroverts.  It’s why our systems and society can feel so exhausting.  It’s why we’re often told we need to change or fix ourselves in some way.

As a female leader and introvert myself this has been my experience and all to common in the women I coach where they also identify as introverts.  It can leads to self doubt, under rating ourselves, comparison to others, trying to make ourselves different and feeling wrong for the very things that in fact make us amazing.

I used to think it was a weakness, I’m too reserved, I need to speak out more, I need to be the life and soul of the party to be liked.  I need to be louder at work to be noticed.  It was all very exhausting.  I see this in others and on reflection I got noticed because of what I brought to the table, including my introvert advantage, so that’s what I enjoy helping others understand.

Living in a world that’s not made for us can lead to us feeling out of place, like we don’t belong or like there’s something wrong with us.  However much of what powers us as introverts and as women are the very superpowers we need to navigate this modern world.  It’s something Susan Cain explores beautifully in her best seller Quiet.  A must read for all introverts.

Let’s clear up a few misconceptions.  In a nut shell introversion or extroversion comes down to how a person responds to stimulation, especially in social settings.  There’s a myth that we’re quiet or shy but being an introvert actually means we prize deep and meaningful conversation over small talk, we’ll think before we speak, consider and reflect and we’ll recharge in solitude.  We can be great at socializing and stimulating conversation, especially if it’s with like minded people who we know – we just might need a nap afterwards!

Introverts are often more self aware, they listen better so have more information to draw on and we consider and reflect on that information before jumping to a conclusion.  Often high in emotional intelligence, quite often the introverts I coach also have a high degree of empathy.

I remember observing a team of leaders in a meeting, extroverts talking over each other and saying the same thing but in their own voice or thinking aloud.  There was one leader quietly sat at the end of the table and as we got to the end of the meeting they were asked to contribute and said one, small, articulate point that summed up what everyone else had been trying to say the whole hour.  This is the power of introverts.

Many of the women I work with are introverts and will ask things like ‘how can i be more extroverted to get ahead in leadership’.  My mantra is very much about leveraging the skills we have not trying to be like others or change our unique gifts.  But is it true, do extroverts get ahead at work, are they heard more, do people notice them, are they favoured over introverts?

In a world that celebrates ego, noise and attention you’d think so, we’re conditioned to believe that we should be the centre of attention, outgoing is fashionable and attractive and calm and reserved is often considered boring! 

Our world is designed for extroverts and we’re all over stimulated.  This makes it harder for introverts and more important we understand what we need and what we can bring to the table.  But if we’re trying to be more like extroverts or not allowing ourselves what we need we’re missing out on a super power and the world is missing out on our creativity and leadership.

So how can we thrive as introverted female leaders in a world not built for us?  Let’s finish with some top tips:

·       Know yourself, your brand, leverage your strengths, stand in your power. 

·       Mentor and learn from others.

·       Know that you need time to think and respond and the response will be far superior as a result.

·       Don’t apologise for needing time to yourself and create the space to recharge in solitude. 

·       Find time to focus and work alone if it helps you do deep work

·       Stop feeling like you need to change yourself: know how to value what makes you, you.

This of course doesn’t mean introverts are better than extroverts just that we’re often under rated and need to see our skillset for just that, a skillset not a part of us that needs to be fixed or made more extroverted.

“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are – Brene Brown

Join us on this special women’s leadership residential retreat for some space to reflect and learn about you and your leadership brand to lead with impact.

Internal and external battles of the mind

In my workshops I often talk about the power of the mind.  When we talk confidence we talk about the different ways confidence can be grown or not.  We control so much of our world by what we think and what comes from the inside.  That, added to the external influences on us and what’s in our environment make our world.

Ideally both are positive influences but we can see why sometimes this can be hard.  It’s why being in toxic work cultures or relationships erodes our sense of self or why too much negative news or office gossip makes us think more negatively.  This of course is twice as bad if our inner critic is also doing the same thing internally!

There’s the external circumstance that causes us stress and our internal response or frustration towards wanting it to be different.

The saying is true: we can’t always control what happens to us, but we can control how we react to it. Buddhists have a great analogy for this, which perfectly sums up how our attitude and mindset affect our resilience: the second arrow analogy.

If we’re walking through the forest and we get hit by an arrow, we have a problem, and it causes us pain. Our reaction to this problem is like being hit by a second arrow in the same place. Now we have two problems and double the pain: but the second arrow is one that we shot ourselves.

What’s important is not so much what happens to us, but how we react to it. We tend to get upset and angry about the initial problem. Maybe our car has broken down: that is the first arrow, and the resulting pain is not of our doing. If we choose to get angry and upset about this, that’s the second arrow. It will double our pain but do little to resolve the first problem – and we shot that arrow ourselves.

If we can cultivate a positive internal world it’s half the battle, it’s the one we have most control over.  A positive external world also helps and  is the sweet spot but we know that doesn’t always happen and is sometimes out of our control.

Know that if negativity is around you you’ll need to work twice as a hard to make up for it from the inside and vice versa.  When your mind is not is a good place or the inner critic is running wild find a nice place or nice person to be with a lean on the external world to even things out.

It’s why paying attention to what we put in our mind is so important because this is the external influence that’ll disrupt the internal mind.  Too much social media, busyness and overwhelm, dramatic friends and violent movies all impact how we feel and ultimately our mindset.  Positive mindsets help us deal with what life throws at us and what we feed grows – especially in the garden of our mind.  So are you watering the weeds or allowing the flowers to bloom in your mind?

The power of investing in vertical growth for leaders

We’ve often spent years on growing leadership skills (horizontal growth) but now we need to invest in the inner game (vertical growth). Self leadership, self regulation, new perspectives and more complex and sophisticated ways of thinking. This enables us to make wiser choices, be less reactive, develop wisdom and insights to evolve and transform how we lead. Walking the talk, knowing ourselves and navigating the challenges that arise.

These are the key skills leaders of the future need. It’s the stuff that AI can’t replace. We’ve often spent years dedicated to the horizontal growth and leadership technical skills; strategic agility, financial acumen, project management etc. This is the stuff that ChatGPT might be doing for us soon! It’s time to focus on vertical growth, a deeper understanding of our self for mastery of the inner game. Future proofing leaders with the skills to lead in uncertain times, with inclusivity and the ability to lead multiple generations into this new world.

Focusing on vertical growth allows us to be better leaders and it’s critical to navigate the future of this changing world.  We’re more confident when we know who we are and what we bring to the table.  We’re more inclusive when we collaborate with others, seek continuous improvement and admit to not being the only expert in the room. We’re more aware and able to respond to change and challenges whilst remaining calm amid the chaos.

Whether you’re grappling with talent shortages, hybrid working, or employee engagement and turnover it’s a tough time to lead.  Add to that empathy fatigue, change weariness and impacts on staff morale the last few years has had.  It’s no wonder burnout is on the rise as we adapt to a new normal and lead others through this landscape.  Vertical growth takes leaders on a journey of development to lead in these uncertain times.

This is a new kind of leadership for a new kind of era.  Post pandemic challenges have changed the face of how we work and lead.  It requires evolution and a new focus for leaders.

·       Develop the kind of calm that is contagious, when you speak, others listen. 

·       Leverage self mastery, mental fitness and awareness as core leadership skills

·       Harness the ability to adapt to change and bounce back from set backs

·       Increase focus and concentration to perform at your peak

·       Become fearless but wise, compassionate and respected

·       Build empathy with the ability to regulate and control emotional response

A conscious leader, you know who you are and stand in your power.  Cognisant and composed you overcome the challenges ahead to make an impact.

Keen to find out more about this leadership development programme for vertical growth?  Self mastery & mental fitness for calm, conscious, capable leaders.  Click here for details.

What is equanimity and why do leaders need it?

The skill of equanimity is one of remaining calm, even tempered and composed, regardless of what’s happening around us.  It’s the cool head in the heat of the moment and helps us cultivate patience.  Something critical to navigating these times of uncertainty but also critical for leaders.

The person in room with the most control is generally the one with the lowest heart rate.  When you’re in control of yourself you don’t need to control others.

I love combining my decade of leadership with my decade of study with Buddhist monks and nuns. I believe we can learn a lot from ancient traditions and as I weave this ancient eastern wisdom into the western people psychology my career in HR taught me this is the skill that has had the biggest impact.

Equanimity is the mental state of being calm and centred, even in the face of challenging circumstances.  It helps us regulate our emotions, navigate life and excel in leadership.

I was chatting to Dr Ashley Bloomfield at a recent speaker event at our speaking agency.  We were talking about the importance of calm and how it promotes trust.  I said to him “During those pandemic briefings on TV it didn’t really matter what you were saying we all believed you and felt like you had it covered, you delivered it with such calmness you appeared in control and competent” I meant it as a compliment!

It’s true though when a leader is flustered or angry we feel uneasy, it seeps into the team and yet when they present calmly we trust they have it in hand.

This has rung true for me during some of the toughest times in my leadership journey.  Being told a staff member had died by suicide and having to drop everything to go to a meeting room where their team and manager had gathered.  Not only to speak to them but to arrange the logistics of support and communication across the business.  To bring the rest of the staff together to announce the news and manage the subsequent aftermath.  What many said to me during those times has been; ‘you were so calm’.  Often our calm can be contagious, it puts others at ease when we enter a room, before we’ve even said a word.

It also allows us to operate from a place of grounded clarity.  Our brains change in fight or flight and when we’re stressed or worried we don’t perform as well.  We can’t because our bodies decide to focus on the physiological stuff that’ll keep us alive not how well we can articulate the brief.

I like to think of it like the ocean.  Each day, depending on the weather the surface can be different, sometimes the waves are high and it’s quite rough.    It’s impacted by whatever the weather is doing and yet below the surface the water is always still, quiet and calm.  We get a sense of this when diving or snorkelling.

It's a core aspect of zen traditions whether that’s in marital arts or meditation and something I’ve learned from my time with Buddhist monks and nuns.  Many hours of meditation is spent understanding and experiencing that uncomfortable things can happen and yet inside we can remain equanimous.  It’s often not what happens to us but our reaction to it.

Building equanimity can help leaders to handle difficult situations with greater ease and respond with wisdom, instead of reactivity. From my book LeaderZEN, here are some steps to help build equanimity:

1.       Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness meditation is a powerful tool for building equanimity. It helps us become more aware of our thoughts and emotions and to cultivate a sense of detachment from them.

2.       Cultivate gratitude: Focusing on the things we’re grateful for can help to shift the mind away from negative thoughts and emotions and cultivate a sense of composure.

3.       Develop emotional intelligence: Understanding our own emotions and those of others can help us manage them more effectively and respond with greater wisdom and compassion.

4.       Practice self-compassion: Treating ourselves with kindness and compassion, instead of harsh self-criticism, can help to build emotional resilience.

5.       Engage in physical activity: Regular physical activity can help to reduce stress, improve mood, and promote a sense of well-being, which can contribute to building equanimity.

6.       Surround yourself with positive influences: positive people and experiences can help us foster a positive outlook on life and promote emotional stability.

7.       Embrace uncertainty: Embracing uncertainty and practicing acceptance can help to build equanimity, as we learn to let go of our attachment to outcomes we can’t control and focus on the present moment.

 Find out more about my new programme, LeaderZEN and book of the same name here

The power of self mastery for leaders in this new era

“Knowing others is intelligence.  Knowing yourself is true wisdom.  Mastering others is strength.  Mastering yourself is true power” Lao Tzu

We often think about leadership as something we do to, and for, others yet it always starts with us.  Without this deep understanding of ourselves we can not be effective leaders or lead with confidence.  It’s our inner game and how as leaders we lead from the inside out.  A concept I refer to as self-mastery.  Whether it’s martial arts or meditation the zen masters have a deep intimate knowledge of themselves and the utmost self control as a result.

When we have mastered ourselves the rest is easy, but mastering ourselves is also one of the hardest things to achieve.

When we have developed self-mastery, we move forward consciously and steadily towards our goals. We know our purpose, and we have the self-discipline needed to do things in an intentional, focused way.  Self-mastery also means mastering our emotions, impulses, and actions, and is vital in terms of leadership brand.

Self-mastery refers to the ability to control and regulate your thoughts, emotions, and behaviours in order to achieve goals. It involves developing a deep understanding of yourself, including strengths, weaknesses, and values, and using this knowledge to cultivate inner peace, emotional intelligence, and a strong sense of purpose. Self-mastery requires discipline, perseverance, and a willingness to continuously learn and grow, both as a person and as a leader.

A conscious leader is aware, not just of themselves but also of others and their environment.  Conscious leaders are awake to opportunities, they can read a room and they often know what’s going on before anyone has spoken a word.  This deep awareness gives them an advantage and is achieved through self mastery.

The best ways to build awareness are through reflective practices and gathering feedback.  Self mastery isn’t about controlling yourself or dominating those fearful parts within us.  It’s about getting to know these parts, but then transcending them.  It’s why it’s such a challenge because on one hand we have the drive for growth and yet on the other hand a need for safety and these two psychological needs can often compete in this space.  We stop when it gets hard or want to run when the fear arises and yet it’s an inevitable part of our growth.

Self mastery is not to be confused with confidence.  Just because we think we’re great or have it figured out doesn’t mean it’s true.  In fact it’s more likely to indicate we’ve not mastered ourself and is a common theme among narcissists.

Self mastery is to be aware of your strengths and limitations, self disciplined to work on yourself and grow with the self control to exert a strong will against our impulses to steer our inner ship with equanimity.

It’s a commitment to never-ending improvement; it’s a process of becoming.  This journey of self mastery requires us to find ways to transcend fear and break through resistance. 

According to Deepak Chopra to be focused on the path of Self-Mastery requires us to be one-pointed without being rigid. It requires us to stay alert, unemotional, and mature. To be firm without oppression, to be resolved without judgment, to be strong with humility. It requires us to practice silence and stillness so our inner wisdom can reveal itself. Self-Mastery also requires us to be courageous, to step out from the crowd.

My advice is always to take it slowly.  Self mastery can take years so patience is a must.  Always ask yourself “what have I learned from this?” Take small steps along the path by setting small goals.  Go easy on yourself and know we’re all a work in progress and this doesn’t stop us also being a masterpiece at the same time. 

What does your personal development plan look like?  What’s your vision for your future self?  What kind of leader are you and who do you want to be?

Authentic leadership and the power of leading like you live

“True belonging doesn’t require us to change who we are, it requires us to be who we are” Brene Brown

I love the concept of leading like you live.  It is congruent and authentic and allows a human centered leadership that means we’re bringing our whole selves to work.

When I first entered into management in a male-dominated timber manufacturing business in the UK, I used to think showing any signs of kindness would be viewed as weak. I used to play down skills like empathy and try to act like the tough business leader I thought the world expected me to be.

Authenticity wasn’t talked about then, certainly not in leadership.  I used to feel like I took my ‘Jess’ hat off at the door and put my leadership hat on which was a sort of armor based on who I thought a leader should be.  None of it was authentically me but I was desperate to fit the mould and had no other experience to draw from.

I now run lead with confidence programmes for emerging leaders and when we start a new cohort there’s always people waiting to be told the secrets, given the key to the secret leadership box and learn a whole heap of new skills they didn’t know in order to be ‘a leader’.  It makes sense as that’s how we prepared for our technical roles, often for decades. 

Learning what we needed to know and becoming qualified before we got the job.  Leadership tends to happen the other way around and most of us learn by doing.  It’s true though that most of the unique skills and traits we’ve had since school are the same ones we end up relying on when we get into leadership.

My mentor and leadership expert, Matt Church often says it’s a predisposition not a position and I think this is so true.  It’s a way of being not a title – something we are not what we do.

It’s why authenticity and self awareness are so important.  When we are authentic we are:

• true to our own personality, values, and essence (regardless of any pressure to act otherwise)

• We’re honest with ourself and with others

• We take responsibility for our mistakes

• Our values, ideals, and actions align

The biggest two challenges to us achieving this in my experience are comparison and perfection.  Even when we know who we are we sometimes wish we were a little bit better, or more like that person.

Brene Brown explains this beautifully in Atlas of the Heart; “Comparison is the crush of conformity from one side and competition from the other.  It is trying to simultaneously fit in and stand out.  It says be like everyone else but better.”

As humans we are predisposed to compare to others.  There is sometimes this feeling the grass might be greener or we’d be better leaders if we were more like them.

It can be our comparison to others that encourages us to aim for perfection.  A common trait in high achievers, it often comes from our fear of failing or making a mistake.  Yet as humans that’s an inevitable part of us learning and growing.  The drive for perfection often comes from an insecurity based on not being good enough.  We’re trying to prove ourselves and over deliver when we aim for perfection.  It’s understanding the difference between excellence or mastery and that additional, unrealistic, step perfection.  Perfection wants to deliver above and beyond excellence and mastery and we know that doesn’t always exist.  Which is why so often when we aim for perfect we set ourselves up to fail.

Yet perfection is often held up as the standard we should aspire to and a positive trait in leaders.  My experience is that it actually puts us at higher risk or burnout, micro managing and never feeling like we’ve achieved enough.  It’s also less authentic.  Dame Jenny Shipley said at a conference I was at one year “the closer you are to perfect the less people will trust you”  it really stuck with me.  In an era where we prize human centered leadership and authenticity, appearing superhuman or not real in some way means people are less likely to feel we’re genuine.  They’re less likely to build trust and connect with us as a leader.  When we’re authentic and congruent and vulnerable about our imperfections this is so much easier to trust and connect to because people can see it’s real.  It’s a fundamental component of human centred leadership.

When we show up as human we’re more genuine, people trust us and can see we have integrity.  There’s a congruence that comes with authenticity.

Whilst vulnerability is hard it becomes an advantage in the leadership space when building an authentic brand.

7 ways to stop you and your team burning out

The World Health Organisation predict burnout will be a global pandemic in less than a decade and The  World Economic Forum estimates an annual burnout cost of GBP 225B to the global economy.  We know there’s an organisational cost of burnout too with increased turnover, absenteeism and of course the obvious impact on performance. 

Burnout has increased since the pandemic and the future is uncertain. Here are 7 ways you can beat burnout for yourself and your team.

1.      Mind your busyness – it’s not a badge of honour or a reflection of how valuable you are.  It’s a sign you’re not at your best if you’re always busy and probably running on an empty tank.  Slow down so you can be effective, rather than busy.

2.      Prioritise rest and self-care to build your resilience and ensure you are a sustainable resource.  Talk about the things you do with your team and ask others what they do to keep this front of mind and show it’s an important part of leading yourself regardless of your role/hierarchy.

3.      Know your triggers when burnout is approaching, audit your energy levels and fuel the tank as necessary.

4.      Master the art of tiny gains and focus on one thing at a time.  Teams with too many priorities will feel overwhelmed and spread too thin.  It’ll also hamper their progress on said priorities.  Out of all your priorities which is the actual priority for now.  The most important thing for day or this week?  Start there.

5.      Structure your life for success (harness the power of good habits).  This can be as simple as taking a lunchbreak, introducing walking meetings or keeping a tidy desk.  This also means delegating, setting boundaries and saying no to ensure you’ve not overcommitted or spread yourself too thin.

6.      Create space. Thinking space is so critical; it’s where we innovate, it’s how we think strategically, it’s how we calm our minds, it’s also how we focus and gain clarity to make decisions and solve problems.  Not to mention the impact it has on overwhelm, stress and our emotional regulation.  Make sure there’s space in your schedule.  It’s often where we add the most value and impact because of the ideas we generate that our creativity simply can’t access in a busy, noisy, overloaded brain doing back to back meetings and a hundred emails.

7.      Get your flow on – the art of flow increases our productivity and focus allowing us to access a state of deep work.  Know the kind of environment you need for focus and understand your daily rhythms so you know when you’re at your most productive.  The same goes for those you work alongside.

Most importantly, as a leader, role model this stuff.  Your people follow your example rather than your opinion.  It’s not good telling everyone else to log off and go home to rest if you’re still sending emails at 10pm.

These are just a few of the tips from my Burnout to Brilliance programme where we so the practical work to bring these theories to life.  It’s designed to allow us to find more time, to battle the busyness and cut through the noise to do important work, to improve our focus.  It helps us understand burnout and avoid it.  It helps our teams improve their productivity and focus.  To understand the habits of high performing people and how we can hack some of those habits to gain control of our schedule and to overcome some of the overwhelm that can happen when we get busy. 

Burned out staff will not perform at their peak, they will also not be engaged.  We know that that has an impact on the bottom line.  Retention will suffer as they won't be sticking around and there will be the obvious impact on productivity.  To enable your team to perform at their peak, to re-energise, to re-engage, to press reset.  We need a new way of thinking, a new way of doing things. To develop some practical strategies to wipe the slate clean, move forward and to be our best without burning out in the process. 

Find out more about the Burnout to Brilliance Programme for your organisation here.

The beginners mind and why we're all constant learners

“You are allowed to be both a masterpiece and a work in progress simultaneously” Sophia Bush

Do you speak to give knowledge or listen to gain it?  There’s a place for both and as a leader ensuring there’s a balance of both is crucial.

In the past knowledge has been power and there’s been a pressure for leaders to know all the answers or to be the ones telling others what they think or how it should be done.  This means it gets done your way but not necessarily the best way.

Growth and development is an area I’ve worked in for years and a passion I’ve always had. I believe we can be both improving and learning as well as being amazing and brilliant – all at once.  Buddhists talk of, the beginner’s mind.  Approaching everything with a curiosity that we’re here to learn even if we’ve done it before because the reality is we’re always learning, there’s always growth.  We’re always a beginner even when we’re an expert.

Ako is a traditional Māori practice that means both 'to learn' and 'to teach' and I think that sums it up perfectly.

We can put so much pressure on ourselves to know all the answers or be the expert and it can be uncomfortable to sit in this place of learning, of not knowing.  But it’s this open and curious mind that keeps us developing and growing and helps us achieve our potential.

It’s this theory of improving ourselves rather than trying to prove ourselves.  That we’re learning and growing not trying to validate or prove we’re good enough.

No matter how much experience, awards or titles we have we’re still learning.  It’s retaining this curiosity and knowledge that we never know it all that keeps us open and agile to things we may otherwise miss.

I’m the first to admit, regardless of what I’m speaking about that I’m not to only expert in the room.  The richness of the conversations and the resulting ideas and new thoughts I then have from those events can prove invaluable.

Last year I got into a habit of rereading books I’ve already read.  I’d never thought of it before until someone suggested it to me.  My friend made a valid point.  We don’t retain most of the information when we read it the first time and were a different person now than we were 5 years ago when we read it so we’ll probably get different value from it too.  There might have been things we didn’t understand or forgot completely or just make more sense now.  A way of revisiting ideas and seeing how they apply now. 

Remaining curious means we’re more likely to collaborate and accept we’re not the only expert in the room.  It takes a lot of courage to admit to not knowing or to seek help and support.  It’s a courageous act for a leader to embrace this beginners mind and commit to being a constant learner and yet one that also makes us better leaders.

14 things leaders can learn from zen traditions

Adrianna Huffington said ““We are at an inflection point for leaders.  But meeting the challenges of navigating the new normal isn’t just about looking out; it’s about looking in.  What’s missing from our conversation is how leaders need to show up ready to lead from what is best, wisest, more creative and empathetic in them”

Leadership has been evolving for the last decade and the pandemic and has seen yet another iteration as we keep up with the ongoing demands of the role.  A shift from a traditional style of leadership to embrace leading a new generation and a post pandemic workforce requires leaders who are authentic, calm, empathetic and collaborative.  Leaders who have compassion, patience and the ability to listen, those not afraid to be vulnerable. With strong awareness they are adaptable and capable of leading others through change whilst regulating their own emotions.

Whether it’s talent shortages, recruitment difficulties, performance management, engagement or staff morale leaders carry a high burden which has been exacerbated by the global pandemic.  Battling with empathy fatigue, change weariness, integrating hybrid working and trying to keep a culture of collaboration.  It’s no wonder burnout is on the rise as we not only adapt to a new normal but also lead others through this landscape.

It's what lead me to write LeaderZEN and share what we can learn from zen traditions to support leaders in this new era.  I have been fortunate to spend a decade in HR and leadership development, have been a senior leader myself and have also spent a decade studying across the globe with Buddhist monks and nuns.  This ability to weave ancient eastern zen wisdom into our western people psychology of leadership development has combined to form LeaderZEN and things we can learn about self-mastery to make us better leaders.

What can leaders learn from zen traditions and what does a zen leader do and why is it so impactful?

1.       Equanimity: Zen leaders maintain an even and stable mind, not easily swayed by emotions or external events.

2.       Personal growth: Leaders can use zen teachings to continually strive for personal growth and development, which can lead to more effective leadership.

3.       Compassion: Zen leaders approach their work and interactions with compassion, understanding, and empathy, treating all individuals with kindness and respect.

4.       Wisdom: Zen leaders approach problems and challenges with wisdom, using a holistic and intuitive perspective to find solutions.

5.       Authenticity: Zen leaders lead with authenticity, being true to themselves and their values, and modeling transparency and honesty.

6.       Flexibility: Zen leaders are flexible and adaptable, remaining open to change and new ideas.

7.       Emotional intelligence: Zen leaders have high emotional intelligence, being aware of their own emotions and able to effectively manage them, as well as understanding and managing the emotions of others.

8.       Simplicity: Zen leaders focus on what is important, simplifying their approach and avoiding unnecessary complexities.

9.       Self-awareness: Zen leaders are highly self-aware, having a deep understanding of themselves and their impact on others.

There’s a lot we can learn from zen traditions and how they apply to leadership to improve our capability and help us navigate this new era of leadership post pandemic.  For those keen to go a bit deeper with this here’s a few more zen principles I think are useful for leaders to contemplate:

10.   Mindfulness and awareness: Leaders can learn to be present in the moment and maintain a clear mind to make informed decisions.

11.   Non-attachment: Leaders can learn to let go of attachment to status and ego which can reduce stress and increase focus on what is truly important.  Allowing us to be more collaborative and inclusive.

12.   Interdependence: Leaders can understand that everything is interconnected, and that success depends on the well-being of others, not just themselves.

13.   Ethical behaviour: Leaders can inform their own moral code of conduct similar to the Buddhist Eightfold Path, which lays out guidelines for ethical behaviour and decision-making in zen traditions.

14.   Acceptance: Leaders can learn to accept life's impermanence and to not attach to outcomes, which can increase resilience in the face of change and uncertainty.

By embodying these traits, leaders can become more zen which in turn create a work environment that is supportive, empowering, and productive, fostering growth and well-being for themselves and their teams.

Find out more about LeaderZEN here

Lift as you climb: allies or queen bees?

I was talking about the role of allies at a recent WIL event.  Some of the stories that emerged were not always about needing other genders to be allies but how we as women treat each other.  As women I’ve always believed we need to lift as we climb and support each other on our journeys but this doesn’t always happen, why?

There’s a few reasons at play:

Lack of representation: In some cases, there may be so few women in leadership positions that there is a scarcity mentality around women's leadership. This can create a situation in which women feel like they have to compete with each other for a limited number of opportunities.  We can also see other women as competition sometimes and a threat to our own career advancement, especially if we feel there’s a limited number of roles for women to go around.  This leads to us being rivals not allies to each other.

These behaviours can also come from an assumption that women need to be more aggressive and look after number one in a bid to be more authoritative, or adopt a more masculine style of leadership so many of us have had role modelled over the years.  We might dim our femininity in a bid to be taken more seriously as a leader or fit in around a table dominated by men.

And of course we can’t over look the role of internalised sexism: Women, like men, can be socialised to believe in gender stereotypes that portray women as less competent, less decisive, and less deserving of leadership positions than men.

Regardless of what plays into it my view is that when women behave in this way it comes from a place of fear, insecurity and scarcity.  Either because they’ve had it hard or feel there’s not enough leadership roles for women to go around and feel patch protection of their own place.  Above all though it’s likely to come from their own insecurities and feelings they’re not good enough or don’t belong.

It is my firm belief that we are stronger together than we are apart. Collaboration is such an important part of our success and yet we’re taught to compete with each other as women and that our success should be at the expense of someone else’s.

It’s led to the term ‘Queen Bee’ meaning one who has succeeded in her career, but refuses to help other women do the same.  But it’s not just the scarcity mind-set that feeds this behaviour. Lack of self-awareness can play a major role. Competitive threats or simply the feeling that if I had to do it tough so should you. 

Sadly there are examples of good people and not so good people in our work regardless of gender. Examples of those with EQ and those who lack that awareness and emotional agility – again regardless of gender. 

We should also not underestimate the decades of role modelling and masculine leadership styles we’ve been exposed to either. For some women there is still a sense of feeling like we need to be more like men and more aggressive to be taken seriously or succeed. They are fearful of been seen as too soft or weak so go way too far in the other direction in a bid to be seen as ‘leadership material’. 

But most of what I’ve witnessed and researched leaves me to conclude that much of the Queen Bee behaviour comes from women’s own insecurities. Those who are scared to death of getting ‘found out’ or exposed as not being up to leadership roles, not belonging in the workplace and at this senior table dominated by men. 

We know the leadership journey is more difficult for women and it doesn’t stop when they arrive either. So whilst these women may have it hard that’s still no excuse for queen bee behaviour.  We’re in a position to help them understand what it’s been like for us and mentor them through the journey they’re on that we’ve already taken. This doesn’t mean we’re being soft or weak, in fact it’s a strength of a leader if we can help others develop and succeed. 

Leaders can be firm but fair without needing the aggression or sabotage often see by Queen Bees. Firm but fair looks like; High expectations, holding you to account, feedback and suggestions for ways you can improve, expecting delivery as per your role and wanting the best from you. However, Queen Bees often over step the mark and when the line is crossed this can manifest as bullying.

Glorified by movies like The Devil Wears Prada and books like Nice Girls Don’t Get the Corner Office there was a pressure for women to need to be less feminine to succeed, to be less like a woman if you wanted to be a leader and to disregard kindness, collaboration, authenticity and some of the things we now know to be so critical.

In 1974, an article published in Psychology Today quoted (Tavris): “There is a group of antifeminist women who exemplify what we call the Queen Bee syndrome … The true Queen Bee has made it in the “man’s world” of work, while running a house and family with her left hand. “If I can do it without a whole movement to help me,” runs her attitude, “so can all those other women.”

But back in the 70’s the fierce and feared leadership style was favoured regardless of gender, a point Sherly Sandberg makes; “Women aren’t any meaner to women than men are to one another. Women are just expected to be nicer. We stereotype men as aggressive and women as kind. When women violate these stereotypes, we judge them harshly,” the Facebook COO wrote in The New York Times, 2016.

So perhaps it’s the simple fact that some people are nice and others not so much – regardless of gender. We all have examples of leaders we’d work with again in a heartbeat, and examples of those who’ve scared us for life and those examples include all genders. 

So whilst nightmare bosses will always exist regardless of gender, being able to lead ourselves and support others in the process and stand in our power is crucial. To feel confident enough to not need to be different or tougher or more masculine aids our strength as a leader. This also puts us in a prime position to help others succeed, to mentor, inspire others, help those that need it and lift as we climb.

In the spirit of collaboration and my firm belief that we are stronger together than we are apart, I enjoy bringing women together to share their wisdom to help inspire, motivate and empower each other.

Summed up perfectly in this whakatauki - He waka eke noa. We’re all in this together (all in the same boat) and I believe we’re more powerful together than we’ll ever be apart.

Understanding the allies bell curve to embrace equity

Today I’m thinking about the humble bell curve, which can apply to most trends and I think applies to Allyship too.  As with most things there are the minority at the top already doing the mahi and succeeding, there are those at the bottom not the least bit interested (and in some cases actively working against allies) and then there’s most others who sit somewhere around the middle.

In a bell curve for Men as Allies we’ll often find in the bottom minority the misogynists (potentially lost to the cause and likely to get left behind - I see some of them occasionally trolling my linked in feed!)  The top of the curve are the amazing minority at the other end of the scale.  They actively speak out and don’t fear the backlash from other men, they are all about staying ahead and comfortable in their own masculinity they don’t see equity as a threat, they see is for what it is – good for the world.  I’ve had the pleasure of meeting a few of these men.  Then there’s the majority in the middle.  Good men who want to help but don’t know how or are worried they’ll say the wrong thing or just blissfully unaware that the world is any different to anyone else without their privilege.  Changing the majority shifts the curve as we know.  Look at the example with Te Reo in the workplace.  A decade ago we barely heard it outside of Kaupapa maori organisations and now you’re the odd one out if you can’t do your pepeha to welcome a new staff member.

Those men who are at the top end of this curve are generally high in EQ, they are courageous so don’t fear standing up for those with less privilege than them.  They understand that’s what’s required to create a better world and are often more open, collaborative and empathic.  They want to use their privilege for good and don’t fear the locker room boys chat or questions from men who get more scared when they stand up for women.  Anyone who does this has to be comfortable in their own skin, authentic and brave, they also see kindness as a strength, don’t have a scarcity mindset and know they’ll always get a piece of the pie based on their advantage and there’s enough of said pie to go around.  These are the men who’ll change the world.  They’re also smart because others not on this journey risk getting left behind.  They see the world is changing and they’re ahead of that change and adapting with it.  Those getting left behind are generally angry, scared and feeling irrelevant, which is why we see some of the behaviors we do.  It comes from a place of insecurity and fear, a scarcity mindset.  A feeling that I’m losing out and the world is changing in a way that threatens my privilege.

So how do we bring everyone on this journey and ensure the curve shifts.  With more allies the equity journey becomes so much easier and it’s one that everyone is traveling then too.

In my activating allies programme there are 3 steps: Awareness, Understanding and Action

First we need to become aware of our own privilege and aware of the experience of others, how this differs and why allies are so important.

 Then to understand what this is about, how I get involved and how to do that in a way that gives me confidence I’m not going to say or do the wrong thing.  I also need to understand the why and what’s in it for me so I can buy into the effort this requires on my part too.

 I also think there’s an important part of the journey here when men not only understand their role and why this is worth the effort but have the opportunity to share concerns and worries.  To unpick the scarcity that can come from giving up space for others that has only been ours for so long.  To be heard and not feel canceled.  This needs to be done in a mana enhancing way to ensure everyone can move forward together.

Once I understand and believe in the Kaupapa I’m empowered to step up and make small steps to becoming an Ally.  I’ve learned what to look out for and what small changes I can make to use my privilege well and support others who don’t have the same privilege.

This increased understanding and ability to make a difference means I’m less fearful of what I might lose and aware of what everyone stands to gain.  I’m doing my bit and it feels good.

When this happens others start to follow suit, we see a shift in the curve as we move to the right and progress.  I’m reminded of the 90’s when moisturizer became a thing for men, pink shirts and everything else my fathers generation would never been seen dead doing!

In this space the scarcity disappears I feel heard and I’m not canceled.  Equity is not an us and them journey but one we’re all in together for the good of our organisations, our families and the world.

The bottom line is the world is changing, we are progressing and those at the bottom end of the bell curve may get left behind but the majority in the middle are an important part of our success and in many cases open and willing to come along on this journey when activated.

Find out more about my activating allies programme here.

Equity is for all: reducing division and activating allies

The rise of women does not mean the downfall of men.  It is not an us and them, we’re all in this together.  Equity is for the good of the world and everyone who lives in it regardless of gender (and other intersections).  What I’ve seen has led me to conclude that the fear and scarcity around this subject is causing division and it’s delaying progress.

If women gain equity in the leadership space, the pay space and at home does it mean that men lose out?  This is the fear.  That I might get less if you get more.  Equity is not a share of a pie that we’re rationing to go around.  There’s enough for everyone and everyone benefits.  Add to that of course that minority groups are not asking for more just the same as majorities have always had!

But this is also why people can feel threatened – leading to this fear response, a defensiveness, a scarcity mindset. It’s why allies are so important on this journey.

An ally is comfortable in their own skin, authentic and brave, they also see kindness as a strength, don’t have a scarcity mindset and know they’ll always get a piece of the pie based on their advantage and there’s enough of said pie to go around.  These are the men who’ll change the world.  They’re also smart because others not on this journey risk getting left behind.  They see the world is changing and they’re ahead of that change and adapting with it.  Those getting left behind are generally angry, scared and feeling irrelevant, which is why we see some of division and behaviors that go with it.  It comes from a place of insecurity and fear, a scarcity mindset.  A feeling that I’m losing out and the world is changing in a way that threatens my privilege.

We all have something to offer.  Giving a voice to others does not mean mine isn’t heard.  The data tells us that if we’re in a majority group we’ll not struggle to get pay increases, leadership roles or any other opportunity available to us.

We’re not wrong for having privilege but we do need to learn how to use it and understand that because of it our experience is vastly different to that of others.  Rather than being defensive about this though or feeling guilty if we come from a place of curiosity and learning we can listen to the experience of others, understand how we can support and use our privilege to make the world a better place.

We need to respect everyone’s voice, not cancel out those we think have had the majority of the air time.  It needs to be done in a mana enhancing way so that everyone’s heard, everyone’s experience is validated.  I think from this comes a willingness to engage, to listen, to understand other view points other than our own and a greater likelihood that we’ll all be part of this journey to embracing equity and making a real difference in the world.

This starts by understanding privilege and unconscious bias.  Becoming comfortable with being uncomfortable and being in a vulnerable place of not knowing all the answers or being the only expert in the room.  It requires us to listen before we speak and collaborate with curiosity rather than assume my experience is the only one and therefore correct.

For example as a white woman it’s easy to believe all lives matter because mine always has (that’s my experience and privilege).  As a woman of colour this experience is vastly different which is why the black lives matter movement is so important.  Even as a member of a minority group I don’t except that my experience is the same as others.  I can share my views but they’re not the views of all women or all members of the rainbow community.  We’re all different which is why it’s so important to listen and seek to understand before we assume our experience is the only one that’s valid.

But it also takes bravery to step into this space.  For many men, standing up for women or minority groups or calling out behavior of other men is a risk.  When men speak out they also fear what other men think (the locker room chat).  Like at school the peer pressure or desire to fit in can play a part here.  It’s why helping allies understand what’s in it for me and is it worth the effort is also part of this journey.  Men who are comfortable in their own skin, educated, high in EQ and confident in their masculinity don’t have this trouble – these are the ones already speaking out and embracing equity in their homes and workplaces.

If we’re all heard and understood and come from a place of learning to understand then I believe we can all further the progress of equity in our workplaces and the world together.  It’ll remove the fear and scarcity, break downs some of the divisions when we realise we’re all in this together – and we’ll make a lot more progress.

“If you want to go fast go alone, if you want to go far, go together” - African proverb

Find out more about how we can work together to achieve this in your organisation in my new Activating Allies programme.

40 things I know now I've hit 40

This year I turn 40, always a time for reflection.  The last milestone when I turned 30 looked very different and so much has happened in the last decade.  Including writing 6 books, coming out, starting my own business and becoming an international author and speaker and getting married.

 Just eight years ago I’d just left my corporate career and Senior HR role at the biggest company in NZ and decided to do something different.  I was writing my first book but beyond that no idea how it would turn out.  As I wrote I embarked on a year out to discover my passions and try and find a new career that aligned with my values – and a new life really having just walked away from a seven year relationship too as part of a process that resulted in me coming out.

 This journey took me to places like Bali, the Kingdom of Bhutan, teaching English to novice monks in Northern Thailand, silent meditation retreats, debuting in public speaking, starting my own business.  The result,  6 books published and in stores across NZ, a speaking bureau representation, plus hundreds of happy clients for whom my work has made a difference.  It’s been a long journey to this point so I thought I’d share some of the reflections.

6 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT BUSINESS

Just because you’ve never done it doesn’t mean you can’t do it

When I left my job I had no idea what else I could do.  I’d trained all my life for one career which was no longer fulfilling.  I didn’t know what else I wanted to do or if I’d be capable of anything else, I certainly wasn’t qualified.

When it came to running my own business I didn’t know where to start.  There’s been a lot of learning over the last few years, trial and error and a lot of failing too!  I’ve learned to do things like accounts, marketing, social media and more that I’d never had to consider in my former career. 

It’s also pushed me out of my comfort zone in other ways – networking, building a reputation and a brand as well as being the face of my business (having been someone who prefers to be in the background!)

I used to think – I’ve never done this before it’s not in my skill–set, I’ve no experience in this but I’ve learned over the years that just because we’ve not done it doesn’t mean we can’t, it’s just something we haven’t learned to do yet.

It’s so important that whatever we’re doing we make sure we always learn new things, push ourselves and take on challenges so that we learn and grow.  It also leads me nicely onto my next lesson

Don’t expect it to be easy

God it definitely wasn’t, it’s taken 7 years to get to this point.  Probably 3 until I could earn a liveable income and a lot of pressure and uncertainty along the way.  For all the dreams you see when people stand at the summit of their career or otherwise there’s always been a mountain to climb to get there.

Get out of your comfort zone - don’t play it too safe

I avoided risks because I didn’t want to fail but taking on my own business, re-inventing my career meant I could no longer avoid this. I had to take risks and I became familiar with failure as I battled through the trial and error of learning so many new things. 

I faced many fears as I embarked on this journey; leaving the certainty of what I knew, a career I trained 15 years for and knew well, a regular pay check and company car, an image people had of me – what would they think now?  What if I failed?  What if I’m making the wrong choice?

I had no choice but to get out of my comfort zone but sometimes it seemed tempting to stay there –better the devil you know!  As I stepped out of my comfort zone I faced the fears, uncertainty and risk and at times I also failed.

I put on events that no-one showed up to.  For the first couple of years I earned no money from my business.  Most of my speaking was for free and my first royalty cheque was worth less than $5.

After each rejection letter from a publisher I could have decided to give up.  In fact there’s been many times business got hard, I was out of my depth, I wasn’t earning money and it felt like I’d failed, reached the end of the line, I was tempted to give it up.

One of the things that always kept me going was asking “What has this taught me and what can I do about it?”  This solutions focused reflection forced me into action, rather than wallowing in the fact it was hard and I’d failed it immediately turned my mind towards – what am I going to do about it and scanning the options I had.

Failure is how we learn and grow and is often how we learn to succeed, it’s also something that’s unavoidable if you push yourself, take risks and face challenges, I now see how it can be a positive.  But we can see failure as a sign of our lack, a mirror of our self-worth and it encourages us to devalue what we’re capable of.

Don’t under estimate yourself – you’ve earned your place

We often doubt our abilities, underestimate ourselves or think that our success must have been down to something other than our ability – luck, a mistake, being liked etc.

Throughout my career I would wave away success and down play my achievements almost embarrassed by praise.  I can’t say I’m there yet but I have since learned to respond to praise and recognition with ‘thank you’ which is a good start!

Other people’s opinions seem to carry more weight than our own and it’s only the feedback I’ve had from others over the years that now allows me to believe I can do this and that people love what I do.

I remember worrying in my first workshop I’d been asked to do for a big business – am I qualified to do this?  Will they enjoy it?  Will it be good enough?  Who am I to be posing as an expert in this field? – all those questions played on my mind despite having written a book on the subject I was speaking about!

If you’re getting praise you’ve earned it.  The success you achieve is because you’re capable and have worked for it.  It doesn’t have to be perfect to be success and you also don’t need to have all the answers.

You don’t have to have all the answers

Often we feel we need all the answers, to see the whole stair case before we take the first step and begin.  There was trial and error, trying things to know if that worked or not.  Training to teach yoga to see if this could be the future me or where else that might take me.  Whilst I had a plan, I had no idea where I’d end up and it was only as I made progress the next steps began to emerge.

Sometimes we have to be comfortable with uncertainty because we don’t know what’s next.  We might have a path set out but end up somewhere different, or sometimes we end up in the same place but take a different path or route to the one we planned, either way it works.  I’m of the opinion now that there are no wrong paths and there are lessons learned and experiences gained even from the tough paths I wish I’d not chosen – I wouldn’t go back and change it.

Choose your people wisely

I’m lucky to have had support around me, cheerleaders, people who believe in me.  Support from my family even though they had no idea what I was doing and feared my exit from a corporate well paid job to clean composting toilets in a yoga ashram may not be a great career move!

It’s taught me the value of those who surround us.  The people I’ve learned from and aspired to be who inspired me to carry on, even when it got hard.  But equally those who’ve challenged me to grow and pushed me.

I used to feel jealous when I looked at those who’d succeeded, like they’d done it right and I was doing it wrong; “why can’t I be on the stage at this event rather than in the audience?”  It made me feel like I wasn’t as capable rather than just on an earlier stage of my journey.  It’s important we respect these people, learn from them but never compare to them or feel their success threatens our own learning.

A massive part of my growth has been personal growth and I think these middle parts of our lives are an ideal time for us finding our feet, worrying less about what others think and becoming comfortable in our own skin.  Much of this and the calm I experience within I owe to my time with Buddhist monks and nuns.  Which brings us to the second part of these lessons:

6 THINGS I LEARNED ABOUT MYSELF

There’s so much we can learn from ancient traditions that translates into our modern lives and these lessons have been the cornerstone of me living a healthy, happy life.  Here’s the best bits of what I learned.

Equanimity – A calm mind. One of my biggest aha moments came when I learned how important our minds are and how we can train them.  I’d spent many years on diets, gym classes and pursuing physical health goals but I’d never considered to do the same for my mind.  Yet it’s so important.  Everything starts in the mind.  What we think becomes how we feel and that becomes how we act.  If we have an unpeaceful mind we will have an unpeaceful life it’s that simple.  You know when you get out of bed on the wrong side and everything and everyone irritates you – that’s the mind doing that!  If our minds are busy, stressed and tired of course life is going to be harder.  Stilling the mind has been without doubt the biggest change in my life. 

In a world when I was encouraged to multitask, the busier I was the more successful I’d become and sleep was for the weak this is a full 360 in terms of my beliefs!  I used to think that down time was a waste of time and pressed myself to be doing something ’productive’ with every second of the day.  I now know that being productive also means resting, stilling the mind and taking a break.  Pressing pause in our busy days is as important as anything else on our to do list because it makes us more effective, it’s critical in helping us to everything else that’s on that to do list.

Sitting still for 10 minutes a day focusing on my breathing is my number one wellness tool.  It calms my mind, helps me think more clearly, makes me more productive and creative and I’ve become so much more self-aware.  It helps open up space between my thoughts, feelings and reactions.  Do I still have a busy brain, god yes.  Do I still have negative thoughts – of course I’m human.  The difference is that now I notice them and have small pauses to choose to respond rather than react.  My meditation practice helps me calm these thoughts and allow them to pass through rather than becoming attached or carried away by them.

This training of my mind has also allowed me to gain so much Perspective – I’ve learned that its not what happens to us but how we react to it and that we have a choice.  This has been instrumental in changing the way I react to challenges.  So much of what happens we can’t control and this can leave us feeling helpless like victims.  When we focus on what we can control we become empowered and this is where we get to choose. 

This segways nicely to another important lesson Impermanence.  Everything will come and go whether we like it or not.  None of us will live forever, everything we have we can lose.  It’s why acceptance is so important, accepting the things we can’t change. 

We chase after the highs in our life (the perfect job, house, partner) and then when we get it we cling on to it and hope it never leaves.  Likewise when we feel sad we desperately want it to pass and to feel happy again.  Whoever we are there will be a mixture of good and bad in our life.  We all have challenges, the good news is they don’t last.  These feelings we want to avoid don’t last – but nor do the good ones.  Everything comes and goes, this is the nature of life.

In the words of the Dalai Lama “if we have a problem there’s always two options either 1) there’s a solution in which case great, there’s no need to worry about it.  Or 2) there’s not a solution, in which case there’s no point worrying about it.”

This valuable lesson taught me that suffering is inevitable, misery is not.  If we can accept the things we can’t change it allows us to make peace and move on.  Good and bad will always come and go, sit with what is and accept what we can’t change.

We don’t like to suffer, but it can also be where our biggest lessons come from.  During my time at plum village Thích Nhất Hạnh’s place in France I read his famous book ‘No mud no lotus’  In fact I now have a lotus tattooed on my foot as a result of this very important lesson.  The lotus is a beautiful flower that grows from the mud.  We too grow from our challenges to bloom into the beautiful humans we are.  It’s because of the mud that we become a lotus and without the mud we wouldn’t bloom.  Suffering is part of the human condition and it’s ok not to be ok.  If we get sick or lose someone we love of course we’ll suffer but sitting in the mud is often how we get through those times and over time the lotus starts to bloom.  So often it’s our deepest scars that can lead to our biggest gifts.

Download the full list of 40 life lessons and things I know for sure here and get your inspiration fix for the week.