Fear, Authenticity, Self-worth, growth and not giving up
Facebook reminded me this week that 4 years ago today I graduated from my Yoga Teacher training in Byron Bay – I’ve not taught much yoga since but have done so much else and learned so many lessons which I’ve been reflecting on.
I’d quit my corporatecareer a few months prior and had embarked on a year out to discover my passionsand try and find a new career that aligned with my values – and a new lifereally having just walked away from a seven year relationship too as part of aprocess that resulted in me come out.
This journey took meto places like Bali, the Kingdom of Bhutan, teaching English to novice monks inNorthern Thailand, silent meditation retreats, debuting in public speaking,starting my own business and writing my first book. A book that was published a year later andcontained much more about the inner journey that had unfolded.
4 years on I lookback, incidentally on the verge of a holiday back to Byron Bay next month withmy wife to be. I’m now an author of two books with my ownbusiness and invited to speak at events and conferences across the world. I’ve discovered my passions and feelcomfortable aligning with my values to be my authentic self – it was a longtime coming and hasn’t always been easy but I wouldn’t change it for the world.
Here are some lessons I’d like to share with you following that journey:
Just because you’ve never done it doesn’t mean you can’t do it
When I left my job Ihad no idea what else I could do. I’dtrained all my life for one career which wasn’t fulfilling me. I didn’t know what else I wanted to do or ifI’d be capable of anything else, I certainly wasn’t qualified.
When it came torunning my own business I didn’t know where to start. There’s been a lot of learning over the lastfew years, trial and error and a lot of failing too! I’ve learned to do things like accounts,marketing, social media and more that I’d never had to consider in my former career.
It’s also pushed meout of my comfort zone in other ways – networking, building a reputation and abrand as well as being the face of my business (having been someone who prefersto be in the background!)
I used to think – I’venever done this before it’s not in my skill–set, I’ve no experience in this butI’ve learned over the years that just because we’ve not done it doesn’t mean wecan’t, it’s just something we haven’t learned to do yet.
It’s so important that whatever we’re doing we make sure we always learn new things, push ourselves and take on challenges so that we learn and grow. It also leads me nicely onto my next lesson
Get out of your comfort zone - don’t play it too safe
I avoided risksbecause I didn’t want to fail but taking on my own business, re-inventing mycareer meant I could no longer avoid this. I had to take risks and I became familiar with failure as I battledthrough the trial and error of learning so many new things.
I faced many fears asI embarked on this journey; leaving the certainty of what I knew, a career Itrained 15 years for and knew well, a regular pay check and company car, animage people had of me – what would they think now? What if I failed? What if I’m making the wrong choice?
I had no choice but toget out of my comfort zone but sometimes it seemed tempting to stay there –better the devil you know! As I steppedout of my comfort zone I faced the fears, uncertainty and risk and at times Ialso failed.
I put on events thatno-one showed up to. For the firstcouple of years I earned no money from my business. Most of my speaking was for free and my firstroyalty cheque was worth less than $5.
After each rejectionletter from a publisher I could have decided to give up. In fact there’s been many times business gothard, I was out of my depth, I wasn’t earning money and it felt like I’dfailed, reached the end of the line, I was tempted to give it up.
One of the things thatalways kept me going was asking “What has this taught me and what can I doabout it?” This solutions focusedreflection forced me into action, rather than wallowing in the fact it was hardand I’d failed it immediately turned my mind towards – what am I going to doabout it and scanning the options I had.
Failure is how we learn and grow and is often how we learn to succeed, it’s also something that’s unavoidable if you push yourself, take risks and face challenges, I now see how it can be a positive. But we can see failure as a sign of our lack, a mirror of our self-worth and it encourages us to devalue what we’re capable of.
Don’t under estimate yourself – you’ve earned your place
We often doubt ourabilities, underestimate ourselves or think that our success must have beendown to something other than our ability – luck, a mistake, being liked etc.
Throughout my career Iwould wave away success and down play my achievements almost embarrassed bypraise. I can’t say I’m there yet but Ihave since learned to respond to praise and recognition with ‘thank you’ whichis a good start!
For many years in myformer career I suffered from Imposter Syndrome. I didn’t get a degree, I left school at 16and as I progressed into senior roles (where everyone had a degree) I used tofeel like I was less intelligent, not as valuable or worthy – despite myperformance and achievements.
Other people’sopinions seem to carry more weight than our own and it’s only the feedback I’vehad from others over the years that now allows me to believe I can do this andthat people love what I do.
I remember worrying inmy first workshop I’d been asked to do for a big business – am I qualified todo this? Will they enjoy it? Will it be good enough? Who am I to be posing as an expert in thisfield? – all those questions played on my mind despite having written a book onthe subject I was speaking about!
Late last yeararriving at parliament to do the same workshop I finally felt like I belonged,that I’d earned my place and that I had something important to share that wouldbe of value to those who’d asked me to come.
If you’re getting praise you’ve earned it. The success you achieve is because you’re capable and have worked for it. It doesn’t have to be perfect to be success and you also don’t need to have all the answers.
You don’t have to have all the answers
For many years I’d putoff leaving the security of my corporate job. I needed a plan first. If thiswasn’t my career I needed to know what was before I made any changes. Where I’m at now I could never have foreseenthen. It’s been a result of the journeyI’ve taken and the things I’ve learned along the way that have helped informedmy next move, developed me and taken me to where I am.
Often we feel we needall the answers, to see the whole stair case before we take the first step andbegin.
There was trial anderror, trying things to know if that worked or not. Training to teach yoga to see if this couldbe the future me or where else that might take me. Whilst I had a plan, I had no idea where I’dend up and it was only as I made progress the next steps began to emerge.
Sometimes we have to be comfortable with uncertainty because we don’t know what’s next. We might have a path set out but end up somewhere different, or sometimes we end up in the same place but take a different path or route to the one we planned, either way it works. I’m of the opinion now that there are no wrong paths and there are lessons learned and experiences gained even from the tough paths I wish I’d not chosen – I wouldn’t go back and change it.
Align with your values – be yourself
For many of my formeryears I tried to be who I thought I should be, what the world wanted, to fitin. I denied my sexuality for many yearsand took the corporate path of success as my own. It was only when I realised status and salarywere not markers of happiness that I began to look for work that aligned to myvalues – I had to figure out what those were.
As a young leader Ifelt there was a mould to fit. I had tobe a certain way to pass as a leader and as a result I devalued some of myskills that I didn’t think had a place at work. I used to leave my ‘Jess’ hat at the door to put my ‘Leader’ haton. I now release these are the samehats and things like kindness, compassion and empathy are major leadershipstrengths rather than character weaknesses – what a relief because we all knowpretending to be something we’re not is exhausting!
Being able to show up as my authentic self both in life and in work makes every day so much more rewarding. It also allows people to trust us when we’re genuine and relate to us if we’ve walked in their shoes.
Choose your people wisely
I’m lucky to have hadsupport around me, cheerleaders, people who believe in me. Support from my family even though they hadno idea what I was doing and feared my exit from a corporate well paid job toclean composting toilets in a yoga ashram may not be a great career move!
It’s taught e thevalue of those who surround us. Thepeople I’ve learned from and aspired to be who inspired me to carry on, evenwhen it got hard. But equally thosewho’ve challenged me to grow and pushed me.
I used to feel jealouswhen I looked at those who’d succeeded, like they’d done it right and I wasdoing it wrong; “why can’t I be on the stage at this event rather than in theaudience?” It made me feel like I wasn’tas capable rather than just on an earlier stage of my journey. It’s important we respect these people, learnfrom them but never compare to them or feel their success threatens our ownlearning.
Find people whosupport you but challenge you positively to grow, respect them and be inspiredby them but don’t compare yourself to them or feel jealous. Avoid negative people who hold you back –surround yourself with those who’ll nourish you.
It’s also taught methe power of collaboration. I’ve met somany amazing people doing similar kinds of work and often now when I organizeevents I’ll use it as a platform for other women to inspire my audience too andinvite guest speakers.
I’ve also beenfortunate to join business groups and communities full of supportive peoplewilling to share their knowledge and time with me.
Often we’re taught tocompete, that our success needs to be at the expense of someone elses. I’ve learned that we are much strongertogether than we are apart.