I’m often asked in my workshops when we work on confidence and humility, what if I become too confident? We worry that by implementing strategies to offset Impostorism we’ll go too far the other way. It’s particularly prevalent in our humble, modest kiwi culture where the fear of being a tall poppy exists.
We often consider modesty and humility as the same as self deprecation and that to own our strengths, know our worth and celebrate our successes all of a sudden renders us narcissists!
There is an opposite to Imposter Syndrome and it’s called Dunning Kruger Effect named the guys who coined the phrase. If Imposterism is someone who’s good at what they do but doesn’t think they are then Dunning Kruger is the opposite. Someone who thinks they’re really good at something but often isn’t.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is a cognitive bias where people who perform poorly on a certain task tend to overestimate their own performance. The problem is twofold, since not only do people have a certain inability, they are also unable to acknowledge their inability, therefore overestimating their capabilities.
I frequently am told all about someone’s 3 week trip to New Zealand ten years ago when I tell them I live there or when I mention I’ve studied and taught meditation for a decade a man once volunteered his knowledge on the subject by saying “I’m not a meditator but what I understand about mindfulness is….”
Wouldn’t it be a good thing to have this kind of confidence people often ask me? I respond by asking them if they like working with people who fit this description? Do they think of them as good performers? Would they select them for a job? Invite them to a dinner party? – you get the idea! Having low self-awareness and an arrogance about your capability isn’t an attractive quality. Yes it may get you a promotion (how many incompetent people get over promoted because of their confidence?) but they get found out eventually because they don’t deliver, they’re unable to perform at the level they pitch themselves at.
So if the Dunning-Kruger Effect is a cognitive bias where people who perform poorly on a certain task tend to overestimate their own performance. Imposter experience is a bias that is cognitively predisposed towards our failings and why we’re not good enough, struggles to acknowledge our skills and successes therefore thinks that everyone else is over rating us and one day we’ll get found out. We perform well but we can’t see it! It’s illusionary superiority (DK) versus illusionary inadequacy.
Both are a combination of our confidence and capability or competence, as shown below. With little of either the chances are we’re an underachiever. Where our confidence outweighs our competence we’re experiencing the Dunning Kruger effect and the opposite of course is Imposter Syndrome (where our competence outweighs our confidence). Of course what we’re aiming for is an alignment and for those with Imposter Experience this means gaining the confidence to match our competence. When we have both of these we are peak performers and can own our space. We finally believe in the abilities we have and it matches reality!
Find out more in my workshops and coaching programmes that have helped hundreds of teams do exactly this.
The Christmas Load
The Christmas Load
I remember the joy and wonder of Christmas as a kid. I grew up in the UK so it was all about lights, open fires, carols round the tree and a bit of snow. From an early age I remember my biggest joy thinking about what kind of presents I would buy for people. I’d have a list of what I thought people would like and then I’d have a miscellaneous box of things I’d brought because they looked nice and I wasn’t sure who would get them but knew they’d like them because I did.
Now days we hear a lot about the stress of Christmas. Marketing campaigns send us into a frenzy of debt and overload in order to have the ‘perfect’ Christmas. To deliver on the expectation that we’ll buy more stuff for people who don’t want or need it and that our kids won’t feel loved unless we shower them with gifts. That the dinner table is never full, more is better and we need to impress the family. The tree must be real, bushy and decorated like the magazines. You get the idea and if we buy into it it’s exhausting. We talk about the summer break but for many there’s another full time job waiting for us once work has finished for the year.
As a kid I was blissfully unaware of the work Mum put into Christmas. Not just presents and cards but all the social organising and family gatherings, food shopping and event planning. This was after a year of working full time and how she spent her precious ‘Christmas break’ – like me thought she loves giving and choosing things for people, little things where it really is the thought that counts. We were never well off so it had to be the thought counting!
I remember opening a present one Christmas morning and Dad saying “that’s nice who got you that?”, the tag said with love from Mum and Dad. “You did” I said.
We talk a lot about the mental load or the invisible load and I think women are great at making this look so easy it often appears invisible. Families don’t see the workload that goes into making Christmas great, not to mention the careful balance of all the family dynamics and relationships across a festive period marinated in booze!
And of course we can’t complain. It’s for the kids, it’s the joy of Christmas and all the other stories we tell ourselves or we’ve grown up being told. This reoccurring theme of sacrificing ourselves for the good of the family, being last on our own list and the one who has to think about and organise everything surfaces at Christmas too.
Whether you buy into the Christmas spirit or not, when we strip back the marketing messages we get at this time of year Christmas for me is about gratitude for all we have, reflecting on the year that’s gone, celebrating that we those closest to us and welcoming in another New Year with the hope and promise that brings.
This year in particular has been difficult and the uncertainty continues to sit over us like a storm cloud. A yet the silver lining for many Aucklanders is that we can now cross boundaries and visit friends and family and plan for our Christmas holidays, whilst also being cautious and safe.
Then of course there’s the ones who really do have it hard at Christmas. Those who’ve lost loved ones, those on their own or those in abusive relationships. It is not always a time of celebration and remembering what matters.
Less is always more and what really matters is not the stuff that causes us stress at Christmas but it’s easy to lose that in the noise. These days we’ve taken to buying food boxes and charity donations in place of presents. It’s better for the environment as well less clutter for our already filled homes.
So this year I’m thinking about the things that make Christmas great, the fond family memories. The choice we have about how we approach the festive season and the reminder that it is also for those of us in the southern hemisphere our summer holiday. Make sure you do something for you, get a break over the break and take a moment amid the chaos to appreciate the small things, the things that matter and the meaning of the festive season.
The things I’m grateful for; like being able to have food on our table and be together despite spending another Christmas away from my UK based family I’m happy it’s in the summer for a change!
Stay safe this Christmas
Arohanui
Jess
The confidence continuum
I’m often asked in my workshops when we work on confidence and humility. What if I become too confident? We worry that by implementing strategies to offset Imposterism we’ll go too far the other way. It’s particularly prevalent in our humble, modest kiwi culture where the fear of being a tall poppy exists.
We often consider modesty and humility to be the same as self deprecation and that to own our strengths, know our worth and celebrate our successes all of a sudden renders us narcissists!
There is an opposite to Imposter Syndrome and it’s called Dunning Kruger Effect named the guys who coined the phrase. If Imposterism is someone who’s good at what they do but doesn’t think they are then Dunning Kruger is the opposite. Someone who thinks they’re really good at something but often isn’t.
The Dunning-Kruger Effect is a cognitive bias where people who perform poorly on a certain task tend to overestimate their own performance. The problem is twofold, since not only do people have a certain inability, they are also unable to acknowledge their inability, therefore overestimating their capabilities.
I frequently am told all about someone’s 3 week trip to New Zealand ten years ago when I tell them I live there or when I mention I’ve studied and taught meditation for a decade a man once volunteered his knowledge on the subject by saying “I’m not a meditator but what I understand about mindfulness is….”
Wouldn’t it be a good thing to have this kind of confidence people often ask me? I respond by asking them if they like working with people who fit this description? Do they think of them as good performers? Would they select them for a job? Invite them to a dinner party? – you get the idea! Having low self-awareness and an arrogance about your capability isn’t an attractive quality. Yes it may get you a promotion (how many incompetent people get over promoted because of their confidence?) but they get found out eventually because they don’t deliver, they’re unable to perform at the level they pitch themselves at.
So if the Dunning-Kruger Effect is a cognitive bias where people who perform poorly on a certain task tend to overestimate their own performance. Imposter experience is a bias that is cognitively predisposed towards our failings and why we’re not good enough. We struggle to acknowledge our skills and successes therefore thinking that everyone else is over rating us and one day we’ll get found out. We perform well but we can’t see it! It’s illusionary superiority (Dunning Kruger) versus illusionary inadequacy (Imposter).
Both are illusionary and a mismatch of our confidence and capabilities in opposite directions. What we’re aiming for is the middle ground.
On this continuum we have debilitating self doubt at one end which is when Imposter Experience is left unchecked and worsens. At the opposite end, if arrogance, ego and overconfidence gets to its worst it’s probably narcissism right? Described as a mental condition in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for attention and admiration!
Each of these terms Dunning Kruger and Imposter experience exist on the continuum and the sweet spot we’re all aiming for is an alignment of capability and confidence in the middle. For that, those with imposter syndrome need to gain more confidence to match their abilities and those with Dunning Kruger may need to be less confident in their abilities. Both need to be closer to reality than their confidence allows them to believe!
The Great Resignation
According to management professor Anthony Klotz, the ‘Great Resignation’ is upon us. Having had more than a year to re-evaluate life priorities, Klotz predicts that as employees are asked to return to ‘normality’ and their daily commute to their office jobs, this will result in a Great Resignation.
According to a Microsoft survey of 30,000 people from around the world, 41% of employees are considering quitting in the next year. But why now, especially in a world that’s so uncertain and so many worries about the economic impacts of change. Historically these kinds of events have led to people wanting more security and staying put but we know there’s never been anything quite like this before. This event is different, it’s been a global tectonic shift, and so may be the impact.
This unique events that have unfolded with the global pandemic may have led to more stress and uncertainty but also to an opportunity to gain perspective, reconsider and make different choices. I think we’re also less prepared to settle given what we’ve been through and more inclined to make a change. But what does this mean for us as we head into 2022?
Much of the information on this subject is pointing to it being an employees market right now, with a talent shortage, head hunting and many on the move. But it’s not just career related. We’re seeing the same principles play out in the towns we live in, relationships and even social media accounts. The great resignation is about more than us quitting our jobs and 2022 could well be the year of great change as we readjust to life post pandemic.
For some being at home with family gave them time to evaluate what they really wanted - with many realising that was more work/life balance. Everything has seemed harder this year and the mental health implications of this ongoing global pandemic and strain it puts on daily life has also been a contributing factor for a rethink for many.
Additionally, how and where we work is changing, more flexibility and more opportunities. Remote working has changed the face of the job market and led to many reconsidering their city offices and city homes in a mass resignation to the countryside now the daily commute isn’t required.
Here in Aotearoa less skilled migrants have been able to come into the country (and many others leaving to go home) means more heading hunting of local talent and a shortage of supply. We’re in hot demand so the choices go up. At the same time our satisfaction may have gone down because of the pandemic working pressures or feeling neglected as organisations cut pay in favour of offsetting covid losses.
There have also been some who’ve chosen to retire early, sell houses in the market boom, use savings made over the last 2 years of not going anywhere to re-evaluate career changes or part time working.
Either way you look at it Covid is leaving us to question what is normal about our new normal and which bits of normal do we want to return back to. Whether it’s spending lockdown with someone we actually would rather not be with. Going back into an office that suffocates our soul. Or for some the opposite and a realisation of how lucky we are and a new appreciation for all that we have, gratitude for the simple things in life that we realise now are the ones that matter.
It's not surprising to me that this kind of event is having an impact and a shift in our perspective. I had one in my own life approximately a decade ago. It was like an earthquake in my soul that caused a tectonic shift in everything as I placed back the pieces. What followed was my own personal great resignation. I left my HR career and started writing books. I left my beach house in Raglan and went to live in Asia for a while. I left my long term relationship and came out. I also experienced a massive shift in habits favouring ashrams to restaurants and bars for a while!
I liken it to finding the right ladder and here’s how that played out for me. From an early age we’re conditioned to climb the ladder, whether that be in our career prospects and promotions, salary scales or getting married and starting a family. Usually this ladder is based on societal expectations of us and we begin climbing to conform and because we’re told success is at the top of the ladder. This was true for me only to realise when I got to the top “Shit, wrong ladder” Once we reach the top it’s not uncommon to find we’ve been on the wrong ladder and this is what we’re seeing as part of the great resignation.
So here’s me on my two ladders over the last decade and after changing my ladder and climbing again this recent shift post pandemic has lead me to believe that it’s not actually about the ladder at all. Perhaps the perspective we can gain is that we can stop climbing?
It might resonate for you if you’re going through your own great resignation or simply considering how to put the pieces back together following the pandemic and 2 years of uncertainty. Which bits of normal are you wanting to return to?
Looking for support in a career change? Check out my 2021 book I Love Mondays for practical guidance and strategies. After all there’s probably been no better time to design your career around your wish list!
too many dreams and limiting beliefs
It’s been a long time coming but I’m finally in my new home and back with my family. It’s everything we wanted and more, like a dream house. Walking around we have to pinch ourselves and remember that we live here, it’s like being on holiday at a luxury airbnb.
Personally it’s been a tough few weeks, moving out of Wellington the day before we went into lock down, being displaced and locked down with the in laws for 6 weeks whilst we wait to get into Auckland. Which eventually coincides with my long awaited trip to see my UK based family who’ve I’ve been apart from for the longest time ever. To then return to MIQ and a 14 day stint locked up and the feelings of guilt that my wife, who’ve I missed, had to move all by herself. Then the resulting hangover from solitary confinement.
So I’m appreciating this so much and so grateful but I’ve also noticed a funny feeling that comes with dreams and goals – a bit of guilt and a bit of who am I to have all this, is this too many dreams?
Over the last 12 months I’ve secured my dream island move, phenomenal business growth and married my wife. Who am I to have all this? Do you ever get this feeling that someone’s going to come along and take it back, say it was a mistake, you got too many dreams, life shouldn’t be this good?
It's true for many women, who grew up in traditional cultures like the one I did. We’re taught to be humble, not expect too much and not to get above your station. Dreams are not for the likes of us, success should be hard work, don’t be an inconvenience to others and what ever you do stay small, don’t be noticed, and definitely don’t outshine those around you.
You see, we’re conditioned to play safe, stay small and not take risks or get ‘above your station’. “Don’t aim too high you’ll only make a fool of yourself. Who do you think you are?” Sound familiar?
It’s something that’s come up as I’ve written about the pursuit of brilliance in my new book. We often fear becoming too brilliant. Those closest too us may discourage us from aiming too high, often out of love and a sense of protecting us.
It taught us to stay small, not take up space and deflect any praise we ever got. To feel guilty in the face of success and constantly worry we were not good enough or deserving of success – that one day it’ll all come crashing down, or we’ll get found out.
What if I fail or even worse what if I don’t and all of a sudden I’m taking up all this space and outshining those around me? These common feelings and subconscious baggage from our upbringings that can lead to self sabotage and imposter experience.
It’s a whisper in the face of your success that says ‘who are you to be here, this space does not belong to you – stick with the script’. I’d actually say, ignore the voice of the past and rewrite the script. Appreciate every moment and yes it won’t always be easy but enjoy being at the summit of the mountain because new peaks come, so do storms and the chances are it’s been a long sweat to reach the top.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, 'Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?' Actually, who are you not to be?” Marianne Williamson
Should we stop telling people they have Imposter Syndrome?
It’s a topic of discussion that’s come up a lot this year; should we stop telling women they have Imposter Syndrome? Is it really the fault of the organisation and an excuse that arises from what is actually discrimination and bias that leaves us feeling not good enough, that we need fixing?
My thoughts on this are yeah, nah. Here’s why.
Yes I agree with organisational responsibility to fix broken systems, do more in the equality space and address bias, but it’s not all about workplace culture. These things will exacerbate Imposter Syndrome (or Experience as I call it) but it doesn’t explain imposter experience in those who work in thriving cultures or those of privilege who also share these feelings. People like Dr Ashley Bloomfield who openly talks about his Imposter Experience despite being a middle aged white male in a government lead by a globally acclaimed leader.
I think if we lump the two together we risk throwing the baby out with the bath water. It’s like saying let’s stop giving free lunches at school because we need to solve child poverty – both are required and are a supporting mechanism whilst the larger task progresses.
We’re talking about 2 separate things here and one doesn’t mutually exclude the other. Imposter Experience won’t go away if we fix our systems. It doesn’t exist because of bad workplace culture. In fact, supporting people with Imposter Experience helps bridge the gap, to support people to exist in cultures that may still be a work in progress. So fix the culture yes but also support the Imposter Experience.
Workplace culture is an external environment. Imposter experience is an internal one. The one thing we have the biggest influence over as individuals is our internal environment, how we think and how we choose to show up. This isn’t to say there’s something wrong with us or it’s a problem we need to fix. It’s acknowledging a reality that exists in many high achievers and something that if left unchecked can halt our progress or lead us to dim our light.
Rather than the minority being ‘supported’ to fit in we need to gain the self-efficacy to feel comfortable standing out. To bring what is different about us knowing it’s a strength and a super power that sets us apart in a good way rather than making us different and feel like we need to be more like the norms we see around us. That’s why I’m passionate about the Imposter Experience work I do and after many years of running workshops, I’ve also seen the impact on thousands of people across multiple countries .
If we stop focusing on Imposter Experience and say it’s actually down to workplace culture we are left with a problem we’ve already been trying to fix for over a hundred years. I don’t think they are mutually exclusive. In fact whilst we’re still trying to fix our broken systems, gain equality, stamp out discrimination we also need support with the realities that exist regardless of our cultures – like Imposter Experience. So do both.
If the lens we look through is clouded by self doubt it doesn’t matter about your organisations policies, quotas or women in leadership initiatives. You’ll not back yourself, you won’t apply for the promotion and you won’t feel like you’ve earned your place at the table. Navigating imposter experiences helps individuals do this and therefore improve cultures along the way.
I know from my Imposter Experience research that there’s a lot of power in having the conversation, normalising these feelings and giving them a label. Imposter Experience is about our self-efficacy, the way we view our capabilities. It’s not about fitting in or belonging, that’s different.
Imposter Experience is not bullying, discrimination, bias or toxic cultures – they exist on the external. My view is this isn’t about fixing people, it’s about supporting them to own their space. It’s helping people remove that lens of self-doubt to gain confidence in what they bring to the table.
What's the difference between being busy and productive?
It’s an interesting question because most of us have been conditioned to believe that the busier we are the more productive we’ll be. We live in a world that prioritises quantity over quality – more is always better. The more hours you work the more valued you are as an employee, the more successful you’ll be, the more you’ll earn. Until we burn out. Then we’re not productive or valuable to anyone!
Busyness is fashionable, we wear busy like a badge of honour. It means we’re needed, valuable and productive. This attachment to busy has become a marker of our self-worth and we cling to it.
Our societies attachment to busy means we no longer value the opposite of busy – we see down time as a waste of time. Do you feel selfish or guilty for taking time out for you? Even though it’s not just you that benefits from that time out. Imagine what a better partner, parent, worker, person you are when you’re not stressed out and tired?
It’s a concept I refer to as slowing down to speed up which I know sounds counter intuitive but bear with me! If we slow down, take time out, make time for self-care we find we become more effective and therefore speed up. Because tasks don’t take as long, decisions are easier to make and problems easier to solve, we can think clearly and we make less mistakes. This is the concept of slowing down that then enables us to speed up because we’re more effective.
It’s this difference between busy and productive and they don’t mean the same thing. In fact the busier you are the chances are the less effective you’re going to be.
We live in a world where we’ve been taught more is always better and a focus on quantity, that we should multi task, do more things in less time and that there’s never enough. It’s not a coincidence that burnout has become so prevalent.
However more is not necessarily better, especially where performance is concerned. We can work hard but only to a point. Without the necessary balance and down time the hard work starts to become ineffective. We hit a point at peak performance where further quantity starts to impact on the quality of what we produce. This is the time we’re more likely to make mistakes, less likely to innovate and less tolerant with those we’re working with. At this point more quantity starts to decrease performance until we eventually hit burnout.
That’s what I’ve charted below in this model. If we can do enough to hit peak performance without doing too much that we lose our effectiveness we’ve hit the sweet spot.
This is why I’m so passionate about teaching people how to slow down to speed up, the difference between busy and productive and how to perform at our peak. It leads to less overwhelm and burnout and ensures we are a sustainable resource.
Get in touch to talk about running this workshop for your business. Book a call here to chat further.
None of this is normal
We keep banging on about our new normal but is it really that normal?
Many of us are struggling right now and to be honest, that is normal in these circumstances.
Whether it’s being apart from loved ones over lockdown, illness, fear, the struggle with kids, home schooling, job security worries or the prospect of getting covid – there’s a lot to feel upset about right now.
Add to that personal circumstances of missing big family events like births and deaths, unable to grieve as we usually do, gain closure or visit loved ones in hospital. Losing your business overnight and wondering how you’ll pay the bills. Getting a covid positive result and realising you’ve passed it to your family. Losing all your usual mental health support whether that be in the form of people, places, activities or freedoms. Every bit of this current climate is a test on our already stretched mental health.
I’m the most optimistic, hopeful person most people know and yet I’m not ok with this. I think that’s normal.
Even in usual times most of us are limping to the finish line of the end of the year, tired, worn out and ready for a break. Looking forward to a clean slate and a new start. In fact this time last year weren’t we all saying thank god 2020 is over let’s hope for a better 2021. It looks like rinse and repeat on that score again this year.
Our usual end of year burnout comes with a covid exacerbation this year. Everything that’s normally hard just got a whole lot harder and even more so this year because we’d already had a tough year previously. We started this year on empty so that’s why right now everything feels so hard.
Been shut in a room without an opening window for 2 weeks give you a lot of time to reflect and yet it’s a process anyone who wants to see overseas family right now must go through (and many more who can’t even access said inhumane process).
But what choice do we have? This is to protect the health of the nation right? Then begs the questions which health comes first physical or mental and what will the far reaching consequences of this pandemic and our response be? We’ll save lives but we’ll also lose some, we’ll lose part of ourselves that won’t be diagnosable or grieved like a covid death and we’ll lose freedoms and opportunities we’ve taken for granted all of our lives.
Nothing about our current climate is normal so if you don’t feel ok about it, that’s ok, in fact that’s probably the most normal part of this whole situation.
I don’t pretend to have the answer but I did want to bring the reality out into the open and tell you if you’re struggling right now, you’re not alone. This is testing for the most resilient people I know so let’s acknowledge that and share the honest truth.
My top tips:
· Surround yourself with those who lift you up and support you (even virtually)
· Reach out and ask for help when you need it
· Move – get out in nature, stretch, get your heart rate up however you can
· Nourish yourself from the inside out with what you eat and drink
· Breathe – close your eyes and take 3 deep belly breaths
· Think of 3 things you’re grateful for everyday
· Listen to your favourite music (or create it)
· Spend less time scrolling and more time checking in with your feelings
Where to go for support
Anxiety Helpline 0800 269 4389
Free call or text any time for support from a trained counsellor 1737
Support to get through COVID-19 | Mental Health Foundation
http://www.livingsober.org.nz/
Reflections during my trip to UK
As many of you know I’m in the UK at the moment visiting family. It’s been a long time between visits this time and whilst this particular trip has been made more complicated thanks to covid I’m also aware I’m privileged to be here and grateful for the opportunity to do it and the spot in MIQ on my return.
Being away is always a great time for reflection, I don’t know if it’s the long haul flight time, the return to my childhood home or just the change of scenery but something about my overseas trips always gives me perspective and cause for reflection.
Back at my parents house I sorted through some old boxes and came across my school report and other paperwork which have left me reflecting on the journey to date.
This found on a school report form; “Jess works hard and to a high standard, she ought to have a little more confidence in her own abilities”. I wonder if my English teacher realises I went on to write 5 books and become an expert in self-doubt teaching others how to back themselves. Incidentally I’m still not great at checking my work or punctuation and that’s why I have editing staff!
This next find was slightly later but equally significant – my Jobcentre notebook, when I signed on for benefits after being out of work. I’d left the corporate world a year prior to pursue my dreams. I’d written a book which I assumed would be an instant best seller – it wasn’t. I couldn’t afford rent so I pet sat and as a newly qualified yoga teacher I struggled to get work so for the first time in my life was on benefits.
I assumed once I’d written a book I’d be a best selling author with sold out retreats in no time at all and of course the reality was much different, a much harder slog with much more to learn and no such thing as overnight success.
It’s great practice for us to reflect on how far we’ve come. To appreciate the success, take the learnings and celebrate our achievements.
The day I was sorting through these boxes at the same time my work was shared by Celebrity Speakers how now list me on their books and I was called to comment on a piece Radio New Zealand were doing on Imposter Syndrome. And here’s the reality of where it all started as a young woman who lacked confidence in her abilities and after writing one book went on the dole to make ends meet.
I share this because it’s easy to think people who are successful have always been this way. We don’t always see the journey to that point and these reflections normalise the struggle I think. If you’re on this path and not making money yet or feeling like a failure know that it’s part of the journey and you’re no different to those who have made it, they’re just further along the same path!
The most important conversation is the one with yourself
As we head into mental health awareness week the theme this year is take time to kōrero. I've been reflecting on this in terms of the work I do.
The most important conversation (and the longest one) is the one we have with ourselves, especially where mental health in concerned. It's that voice of self-doubt telling or we can or can't. It impacts the choices we make, how we feel and ultimately what we do with our lives.
As Henry Ford said "Whether you think you can or you can't you're probably right". It goes much deeper than this though. The kōrero that exists within our heads impacts the choices we make daily. Whether we apply for the promotion, share the idea at the meeting, take our breaks, set boundaries, delegate, say no. It impacts the relationships we have and ultimately the way we perform and how close to our best we can be.
It's why I have a passion for the work I do in the Imposter Experience space, alongside my second most popular keynote slowing down to speed up, the difference between busy and productive. I believe that high performance and good health comes from our mindset (self-belief and that inner kōrero) and the energy to deliver on our potential (resilience and stamina). Nowhere is this more important than in our mental health conversations.
To support you in this space I'm offering 25% off my popular online course Overcoming Imposter Experience, designed to help you turn down the inner critic and improve your self-talk. Use code MHAW to apply your discount.
A thought provoking idea worth sharing this mental health awareness week - how's your inner dialogue, the inner critic, your self-talk and kōrero?
What kind of busy are you?
As I write my next book, Burnout to Brilliance I’m reflecting on the impacts of our busyness.
Busyness is fashionable, we wear busy like a badge of honour. It means we’re needed, valuable and productive. This attachment to busy has become a marker of our self-worth and we cling to it.
It’s this difference between busy and productive and they don’t mean the same thing. In fact the busier you are the chances are the less effective you’re going to be.
It’s why I’m passionate about teaching the concept of slowing down to speed up and the difference between busy and productive to help us perform at our peak and be our best without burning out in the process.
Today I'm exploring the different types of busy and what they lead to. Whilst busyness has been made fashionable it presents in different ways and therefore varying impacts.
At it’s best it’s a healthy busy that equates to performance but most often this is not the case. We’re too busy overdelivering, trying to prove ourselves because we lack confidence and fear we’re going to get found out. We have a pressure to know all the answers which keeps us busy chasing after perfect outcomes. Or we’re just the kind of busy that thrives on chaos, being needed and wanting to do it all so we can complain about the stress we’re under. This ends up in burnout and under productive performance but at its worst becomes overwhelm, avoidance, and procrastination. We can be so worried we’ll fail we don’t even try, or the pressure to know more stops us from making the smallest progress or making a start. Or we’ve got problems we’d rather avoid so busyness becomes a great distraction!
What type of busy are you? When we understand why we behave the way we do and what the resulting impact is it’s the first step to doing something about it. This is what I help people with on my programmes and workshops.
To find out more why not book a free no obligation call with me and let's chat about how I can help you go from burnout to brilliance.
Is Imposter Syndrome good for us?
This is an idea I’ve seen circulating recently often disguised as the positives that come with Imposter Syndrome. That maybe a little bit of self doubt is good for helping us sense check our ego, that it motivates us to perform and keep striving to get better. It’s often termed ‘balanced self doubt’.
Obviously we know that too much self doubt is detrimental, in the same way that too much stress is detrimental. We also know that a little bit of stress can be a motivating factor to achieve a deadline or help spur us into action. Is it the same with self-doubt though?
Adam Grant talks about it in his book, Think Again, that perhaps it’s a good thing that stops us getting complacent and makes us work harder. That doubting ourselves helps us sense check ideas and ask better questions.
The first thing to note is that a lot of this comes out of the US where there is perhaps more of a cultural requirement towards ego checking! What I mean by that is a culture that’s much better at backing themselves and less plagued by self-doubt. We live in quite a humble, modest society in Aotearoa, as a result I think we have more of an issue with self-doubt.
I also think we can achieve all of this without having to doubt our abilities or suffer from Imposterism - in fact it’s a must.
If we look at stress and self doubt on a continuum we know that the detrimental areas of each exist at both ends of the scale (too much and too little) and that what we’re aiming for is the middle ground, the happy medium.
Too little stress is boredom and too much is burnout - we need the middle ground. The true can be said of self doubt. But is Imposter Syndrome really the middle ground here - I don’t think it is and have outlined this continuum in more detail below to show you what I mean.
I don’t believe we can look at imposter syndrome as ‘balanced self doubt’. What we’re actually talking about here is balanced ego. It’s not about having more or less self-doubt it’s about aligning our confidence with our capabilities so that it reflects reality.
When we talk about balanced self-doubt what we’re talking about is someone who does not experience imposterism and has an alignment of their skills and capabilities.
This added humility means we ask the right questions, motivate ourselves to succeed and do all this without having to have ‘a healthy amount of self-doubt’. I think the healthiest view on this is where our skillset and confidence align (the middle ground).
It means we’re not undone by self doubt, we’re not suffering from imposter experience and we’ve also not gone too far the other way and let our ego get the better of us, either through Dunning Kruger (a cognitive bias where people greatly overestimate their competence despite limited competence in said domain) or worse!
So I don’t believe a little bit of imposter syndrome is healthy, I think managing it is healthy and when our belief in our capabilities matches reality what we find is we don’t have imposter syndrome. A healthy amount of self-doubt is actually humility, without self-doubt. Someone free of imposterism, who is self aware and can embrace both their strengths and weaknesses in line with reality and perform at their peak.
This is something I’ve invested years of my life training others and forms the subject of three books I’ve written, if you’re keen to find out more, head to the resources page of the website
A man got into my car......
I was heading to see a client in the CBD and found a parking spot along the busy Terrace in Wellington. The problem was it was a reverse park, not my skillset and something that always fills me with dread, especially on a busy road with traffic waiting! It’s like the pressure goes up ten fold. The only thing worse than this was a man opening the passenger door mid concentration to reverse park, picked up my bag on the seat and attempted to get in.
I froze, I panicked and I think I said something along the lines of “what the f**k are you doing in my car”. Having a knife held to my throat, being robbed, or worse, all kinds of things went through my head in moments. As I blurted out my shocked response the man turned to look at me and said “shit sorry, wrong car, I thought you were my lift”. He’d been waiting by the open parking space for his partner to give him a lift home. He quickly jumped out and I completed my park, still shaking.
Why do I share this? To show the way our brains form our beliefs and how this impacts our reactions and assumptions.
Neurons that fire together, wire together, our previous experiences also help form these neural pathways which we use for reference when similar events play out. With 86 billion neurons in our brain there’s an infinite possibility of the combinations when you think of all the firing and wiring that goes on. From helping us lift a cup of tea to our mouth to feeling empathy for a friend going through a breakup.
But how does this play into the habits we have, the thought patterns we’ve cultivated and the impact this has on our self-doubt or inner critic?
I’m aware I can’t reverse park very well, it was the reason I failed my first driving test and something I’ve told myself ever since, that I can’t do. It’s why I always get worried – it’s a well worn track in my brain that I reinforce every time I see a park and think – oh great I need to reverse park and it’s a busy road, in front of all these people, I’m probably going to stuff it up.
I’ve also watched way too many movies of women being attack by men – to be fair most of its real and from the news too! My neural pathways have formed to reflect strange men approaching my car as a threat, a likely robbery or some kind of violence or harm. Even though this has never been the case for me it has been for thousands of other women so it’s a well worn track in my brain despite never having happened. I also form the pathways in my brain based on what I consume (don’t let me get started on social media and crap TV). It’s also the reason why women walk with our car keys in our hands, don’t wear headphones so we can hear who’s approaching and won’t go down a dark alley at night.
The neurons that fire together for me equate to risk and fear, that’s why my go to response in this situation was to think the worst. It’s also impacted by my fight, flight response further reducing the capacity to analyse this and think of other logical explanations. In that split second the answer is always going to be ‘imminent danger’ over ‘maybe an innocent mistake’.
So what neurons do you fire together and where are the well worn tracks in your brain? What are they telling you?
I can’t do this. They’re going to find me out. She’s better at this than I am. I don’t know if this is good enough?
We can rewire the brain, form new neural pathways and encourage a better story, more confidence, less fear. Firing neurons together that help us recognise our abilities, celebrate our success and think more positively. Maybe the inner critic has been wiring too much of your brain with its negative overtones?
Learn how to silence your inner critic and think more positively to build confidence and resilience with my programmes.
4 ways I overcame imposter experience
It’s something I talk a lot about in my Imposter Experience trainings and workshops. I also love sharing stories with the group, as when we talk about this not only do we normalise it but it helps us learn from each others experience. There’s a great power in knowing this impacts other high achievers in similar ways.
My Imposterism always came about in my corporate career about my intellect as I got promoted up the ranks. I left school as early as I could and didn’t go to University. I wanted to get out into the real world, earn, travel and spread my wings. I’d sit around leadership tables next to those with multiple degrees and wonder if I belonged. “Who am I to question these people, what could I possibly have to add? I don’t even have a degree.”
It fed into my self doubt around my leadership role and what I brought to the table and would often result in me not asking questions or sharing ideas. When I left the corporate world it didn’t go away but changed. When I’d go on TV or release books ‘who are you to pose as an expert? What if they ask a question you don’t know the answer to? Who will read your book?’
Thankfully I learned the strategies to ensure these feelings of self-doubt when they arise don’t stop me doing it anyway. I’ve learned that it’s less about overcoming our imposter experience and more about learning to manage it. I often refer to it as a volume control not a switch that is either on or off and it comes and goes throughout our experiences often rearing its head when we’re out of our comfort zone.
Here are some of the top tips I use to offset my imposter experience, hopefully they help with yours too:
Own your super powers is an important message I’m often telling everyone else so it makes sense I also have to practice what I preach! This starts by knowing what we bring to the table and valuing it. Awareness of my strengths keeps me from beating myself up over my weaknesses.
Celebrating successes is not always something I’ve been good at or taken the time to do. Now it’s become part of my planning each week and month. Before I look forward I take a moment to look back. What’s gone well and why, what am I proud of? Sometimes I journal this, other times I simply reflect and bring these things to mind on a Friday afternoon as I wrap up the week. I also have an icon on my desktop that is a folder I store successes in. Feedback from clients, published articles or acclamation for my work. Each time I add to this I’m offsetting my negativity bias in my brain and also providing a place to go to on those off days – the evidence that I am as good as people think when my inner imposter is telling me otherwise.
I don’t have to know all the answers! As a human I will make mistakes and that’s ok, aslong as I learn from them and it helps improve me next time around. Infact that’s how I’ve learned most of the things I now put into practice to be successful and the result has been the same. My confidence has improved because I’ve proved myself competent, even by making mistakes and learning along the way. This confidence, competence loop is something I teach in my workshops.
Balance has been key too, when I find time for me to reflect, pause and gain the space to think I become more resilient and I also increase my awareness. This helps me notice and acknowledge more of the positives. Retraining my brain to notice more of the positives including my strengths and successes. This increased resilience also helps me feel more confident, bounce back from challenges and own my space.
It’s not as simple as doing this once though and being confident forever. It’s like training a muscle at the gym, it takes practice. Little and often is the key like building a muscle, we do the work until we’re strong even when we’re not at the gym, it doesn’t all happen in one personal training session!
There are many other strategies that I share in my workshops. What matters most is not whether we suffer from self-doubt as most of us do at some point, it’s whether we let it stop us. These strategies help us offset our imposter experience and succeed regardless.
Get free resources to help you overcome Imposter Experience here
Lockdown wobbles?
It’s been a bit of a shock for many of us this sudden change to our circumstances, the uncertainty and the cancelation and reorganising of work and life. For me it came in the middle of a house move so having moved out of one house and yet to settle the new one we are displaced for longer than we thought.
It’s been an emotional roller coaster already this year and I must admit, between life events, being away from my family overseas for the longest period in my life and the general uncertainty of what the future holds both for work and life I feel tired.
It reminds me of the Kubler-Ross model I used a lot in my HR career and recently with coaching clients moving out of jobs they’ve held for years. It’s the fear of the unknown that grips us along with the natural process of change. It’s quite normal for us to go through these feelings and move up and down this curve as we get to the point where we can accept it and move on. This of course is true for any change- relationships breakups, losing our job or a Covid-19 lockdown.
It’s interesting to notice that my high achiever drive tempts me to ‘make the most of lockdown’ how much more productive can I be with all this new time? I can’t waste this opportunity, I should be putting on webinars and creating content in these moments of down time. But actually what I really need is a break. A time to do nothing, to rest, to recharge. To sit with the emotions and process the uncertainty. To know these layers of emotional uncertainty will take their toll and leave me feeling not at my best. To go easy on myself.
I have a pending trip to the UK which now hangs in doubt, another reminder that the separation from family may just be out of my control despite my efforts to make it happen.
Lockdown this time around does not come at home with my family in a familiar environment but between homes, without any of my ‘stuff’ and not knowing what’s next. So for me the real opportunity that exists in lockdown is to stop doing and use this time to rest, process, recharge. To also understand I might feel a bit wobbly right now and that’s ok.
We’ve talked about covid fatigue, change fatigue and the emotional impact of being separated from family and having a larger degree of uncertainty rest on our shoulders of late. It has become our new normal but is it really that normal?
Know that what is normal is to feel a bit all over the place at the moment, to not be at your best. To allow yourself time and practice those things that nourish you. For me this is time outside in nature, yoga and meditation.
Take care of yourself, check in with that achiever drive and know it’s ok not to be ok right now and as a result we need to be kind to ourselves.
Support is available on my Covid-19 resources page on the website
Go easy
Kia kaha
Acknowledging our achievements
It was a pleasure to attend the recent Women of Influence speaker series and for a change not be on stage, just able to soak up the wisdom. Loved the inspiring stories speakers shared and noticing their similarities. Of course they talked about imposter syndrome and it was great to see successful women sharing their vulnerabilities in such a public forum.
During the Q&A I asked those on stage ‘what are you most proud of?’. It comes from my work around our strengths and successes, knowing we don’t always do this enough as women and especially not in our modest, humble kiwi culture.
It was something the panel struggled to answer (to be fair it was sprung on them not in the list of prepared questions). Those who did have an answer to the question said things like their team, or customers, external factors outside of themselves. I love that we’re so eager to praise others but sometimes it can be at the expense of recognising our own contributions.
It’s not something we spend enough time thinking about and nor are we taught growing up to focus on this. It’s why we struggle to answer the question or feel awkward answering it in a way that still feels humble. Yet it’s a critical part in offsetting our imposter experience and building the confidence in what we bring to the table.
Other take aways from this great session included ‘nobody knows what they’re doing until they’re doing it’ which I think sums up perfectly the advice we often get to give it a go, make a start, am I ready yet? Every new challenge we take on is simply something we haven’t learned yet rather than something we can’t do.
I was also taken by the conversation on useful doubt, similar to useful stress. I believe most things exist on a continuum and are a line rather than a box we fit in. For example introvert and extrovert exist at opposite ends of the same line and most of us position somewhere close to the middle either side of ambivert. Stress is bad at both ends of this continuum (boredom vs burnout) but can be optimum in the middle – productive stress, like a looming deadline that motivates us into action! The same may be true of self doubt, enough drive to prove our capability without too much doubt that we’re frozen by fear of not being good enough.
There’s also a difference between doubt in our worth and belief in our capability (but that’s a topic for another day)! It’s basically the difference between self esteem and self efficacy I talk about in my workshops.
So what are you most proud of, what have been some of your wins and achievements during your career? How might you answer that question?
We won't perform gold every time
Because we’re capable of brilliance, we expect it all the time yet being human doesn’t work like that. Nowhere has that been more true than the Olympics of late. A worldwide event, the weight of the nation on your shoulders, for many a once in a lifetime and four year (plus) training journey to get to this point and now you must perform!
US gymnast, Simone Biles, has been in the news for her decision to save the team and prioritise her mental health pulling out of an event following the twisties. As she has said, it can happen to all gymnasts but you don’t want it to happen at the Olympics. The pressure and the covid-19 complications must also be a contributing factor.
So how does this apply to us? We’re all capable of gold medal performances, not at the Olympics for most of us but you know what I mean. We’re all good at something and some days we’re at our best, but not everyday. Some days we have the twisties or our equivalent. A term I just learned last week that describes the brain block some athletes experience mid air in a twist/routine where they freeze up and forget where they’re at with their body unable to physically respond to something that’s happening in a split second.
It’s something I talk a lot about in my workshops when we look at high achiever habits, perfectionism and the behaviours and thought patterns that often manifest from our Imposter Experience.
Some days I feel really productive, other days I need to take a walk and watch the surfers and create space to think because my brain is just not in doing mode. Some days I’m on form when I take the stage, other days I’m not at my peak and might deliver a silver medal performance instead. This is a normal part of being human.
We often beat ourselves up for this but it’s to be expected. Just because we’re capable of brilliance doesn’t mean we’ll be brilliant all the time. It’s knowing what we need and doing different things to respond to the seasons to our soul, across the week, the seasons and even the day!
I struggle in the winter months, my mood, my energy levels and my motivation. I want to eat and sleep way more (I actually think we were mean to hibernate!) so I know to switch things up, go more easy on myself in order to get the best from me and give those gold medal performances more of a chance. Whilst at the same time not being hard on myself when I’m not at my gold.
The Introvert Advantage
It comes up often in our leadership chats as well as the diversity space. The difference between introverts and extroverts and which is actually better? Well despite what one thinks about the other it’s neither! It’s just different and each has it’s own pros and cons.
I’m an introvert so maybe slightly biased but over the years feeling like I should be more extroverted to be liked or promoted I’ve come to see this as a super power.
I used to think it was a weakness, I’m too reserved, I need to speak out more, I need to be the life and soul of the party to be liked. I need to be louder at work to be noticed. It was all very exhausting. I see this in others and on reflection I got noticed because of what I brought to the table, including my introvert advantage, so that’s what I enjoy helping others understand.
Let’s clear up a few misconceptions. In a nut shell introversion or extroversion comes down to how a person responds to stimulation, especially in social settings. Introverts tend to thrive in quiet situations, while extroverts crave the opposite, tending to thrive in crowds or with large amounts of stimulation.
Introverts aren’t shy and around the right people who they know well, or one on one can be very chatty, particulalrly if the conversation is meaningful. Sit me at a dinner table full of strangers or a networking event and I’ll need a day by myself to get over it! Our introvert nature doesn’t mean we don’t enjoy people or socialising, it just means we need time by ourselves to balance this afterwards.
I love being out connecting with people but I also know I need time to myself to refuel. I know I focus better in the quiet, without distractions and create better when I’m in my own head reflecting and considering. It’s why I never liked open plan offices and love working from home! It’s why many introverts have found they’ve thrived in lockdown.
Extroverts on the other hand get their energy from people, they like to think out loud and bounce ideas around with the group. After work they want a dinner party not the couch and a good book.
Of course all this exists on a sliding scale and some might have stronger tendancies in each direction than others. In reality most of us exist close to the middle of that scale as ambiverts with slight tendancies towards either side. It’s less about how we act because we can all do the things at both ends of this extreme but more about how we fill our cup, where we get our energy and what we need to be at our best.
Many women who come to me for coaching are introverts and will ask things like ‘how can i be more extroverted to get ahead in leadership’. My mantra is very much about leveraging the skills we have not trying to be like others or change our unique gifts. But is it true, do extroverts get ahead at work, are they heard more, do people notice them, are they favoured over introverts?
In a world that celebrates ego, noise and attention you’d think so, we’re conditioned to believe that we should be the centre of attention, outgoing is fashionable and attractive and calm and reserved is often considered boring!
Our world is designed for extroverts and we’re all over stimulated. This makes it harder for introverts and more important we understand what we need and what we can bring to the table. But if we’re trying to be more like extroverts or not allowing ourselves what we need we’re missing out on a super power and the world is missing out on our creativity and leadership.
I know many successful introverts, and i am one so I thought it time to share how this quiet, considered nature can actually be a superpower and therefore how to use it.
I first embraced being an introvert and realised this was a super power when I read Susan Cains amazing book Quiet. “Introverts have nervous systems that react more when there's stuff going on around us,” says Cain. “Could be people, but it could also be bright lights and noise and so on. That means that we're feeling at our most alive and in our sweet spot when things are a little bit quieter and more mellow.”
I’ve sat in many leadership meetings where extroverts have thought aloud, repeated what others have said in their owns words, mansplained (even when they’ve not been men) and shot from the hip and we’ve been no further forward in solving the problem. Until right at the end of the meeting when the introvert in the room who’s sat back listened, reflected and not spoken a word all meeting says one thing which adds more value than the previous hour of korero. Our style may mean we need time to consider and reflect but it also taps into an intellect and articulation that means it should be heard not get lost in the noise.
In her TED talk Cain references studies that suggest introverted leaders often deliver better outcomes than extroverts do.
As introverts we listen better therefore understand more (this might explain the impact we have despite saying much less), we consider and reflect weighing up options, viewing risks and making well thought out choices. Obviously we have a duty to speak up and share our ideas but our organisations also need to make space for this to happen, facilitate the conversations to get the best out of both sets of people who sit around the table and invite space and process that appeals to both natures.
Recently I set up our entire home loan over email with a mortgage advisor I’ve never met or spoken to, it was great and I imagine he is also an introvert. I love retreats but prefer silent ones. Where I can avoid the group dinners and have an excuse to be by myself without feeling rude, guilty or aloof.
I suppose it’s also why I love to write books, although that’s lead to a speaking career I never imagined and actually enjoy! When we get what we need introverts thrive and contribute so much more, make a bigger impact and can ultimately change the world.
Give me notice, time to think and a quiet space and you’ll unleash my super powers!
So if you’re an introvert stop thinking you need to be more outgoing. Understand what you need to be at your best, get that solitude you need to recharge. It’s as important to your energy as a good nights sleep.
the imposter in the room
Recently I signed for celebrity speakers, it’s been on my bucket list for sometime and I guess having an agent has always signified progress and success in the industry I work in. However it brings up some other stuff too.
It’s been an interesting journey for someone who started our writing books. As an introverted author I loved nothing more than tucking myself away in a countryside retreat by myself absorbed in the art of writing. Being on stage in front of hundreds of people was something I’d not anticipated. I also hadn’t realised just how much I’d enjoy it. Don’t get me wrong, as an introvert I still need that time by myself to refuel but the joy I get from speaking outweighs this.
Seeing the impact it has for people, sharing their stories in person over lunch breaks at conferences. The impact a one to many format gains and the instant gratification of being clapped if I’m honest too! When you write books it takes ages, you never know who’s reading them and unless they get in touch you’ve no idea if it’s made an impact so speaking has quickly become a major part of my business. IT took a few years to get comfortable and a lot of practice to hone the skill but to now be confident on stage and making an impact is certainly my happy place. If I needed the validation that it’s going well, this certainly is that so I’m celebrating – but I’m also feeling the heat!
Listed as an Imposter Syndrome expert alongside ‘real celebrities’ (who incidentally are also just normal humans well known for what they do) certainly brings up the Imposterism which is ironic really! Many of you will know if you’re experts in your own field the pressure this can put on us to know all the answers or need to prove ourselves in some way to gain the ‘expert’ tag. The irony is that we gain the expert tag because we’ve already done that work!
I’m all about keeping things real in these blogs so I thought it might also be nice to know the ‘Imposter Syndrome Expert’ feels a little like an imposter when looking at her listing alongside these big names 😊 but she also knows she has the tools to back herself and take the space that’s being offered up. You can learn these tools too in my workshops and coaching programmes.
It’s a common experience when we get a new job, a promotion or get out of our comfort zone and this process below is probably one many of us have experienced. The good news is as we move through this process those feelings of imposterism diminish as our confidence grows.
Get in touch if you’d like support to own your space
We all need a tug boat
It’s been a bit stormy in Wellington of late. It’s normal I guess for winter. I was up on the hill recently overlooking the ocean (warm and inside I might add). As the swell whipped around the harbour and the rain and wind blasted the window I watched a container ship coming into port.
These things are massive and sail from the other side of the world in the open ocean withstanding conditions I can only imagine. Yet when they get to port they need to wait for these tiny little tug boats to go out and guide them in.
It made me think of an analogy with us and our life. Sometimes the swell is heavy, sometimes the storms are set it. Whilst, like the container ships we’re all capable of withstanding the weather, sometimes we need a tug boat to bring us home. Sometimes we encounter those tricky patches we’re maybe not used to or haven’t navigated before and we need support. Like the little tug boats that come out to guide us home. This can be in the form of people, learnings, knowledge or reflection. It can also be the things we do – yoga and meditation have so often been my tug boats guiding me safely to port.
So who or what is your tug boat in the storm is the question I’m thinking today. As well as drawing from this analogy that it’s often the small things in life that really make a big difference – like the tug boats. Even the big strong container ships need support and navigation, so do we.